Me, myself and it. My story of depression

  I can’t really find the words to explain where I’m at right now, and I’m only writing this now because I know I won’t see people for a while and I feel a wee bit embarrassed.  In short, after 9 major life events in 7 months, I ended up being worn out. My counsellor is awesome but even she was fighting a losing battle. There is one party I could blame but I’m aware that would get me in trouble but they’re aware who they are.  This is not just a case of feeling low either. This is a head full of noise, all day, every day. I’m hesitant to say “voices in my head” because people will think schizophrenia, but it’s a constant talking in my head, like when you’re in a pub and background noise, but 24 hours a day. It’s bloody scary because, even after 20 years of mental health issues this is new to me. This feels different. This is so hard to cope with.  I spoke to my GP. This normally works for me, gives me respite and I feel better straight away. Respite. This time nothin...

 For this mental health awareness week, because it only takes a week eh, I decided to write a blog around recent events, my neurodiversity and depression.  Those diagnosed with autism are 40% more likely to encounter episodes of depression. That’s some stat, and some scary stat at that. I have had  serious episodes of depression in the past, before my diagnosis of autism, and it now makes sense, but I have been able to minimise mental health issues on my life, and I’ve also become an expert at hiding them. This blog finally uncovers some of the stuff I’ve hidden, to convince people I am stronger. I started the year with hope. I was making progress with my neurodiversity, I found motivation to progress my career and family life was settled. Then, boom, my life changed. Comments were made at work that made me ashamed to be autistic. I hid any trace of it and when I told my wife, I broke down. After speaking to others I decided to take a stand, and say “this is not okay”. It...

 I’ve always advocated talking. As someone with alexithymia that’s not exactly easy for me but we need to talk about tolerance, mental health, neurodiversity and being you.  At the beginning of the month I was involved in a distressing incident in the workplace, which led to me being ashamed of who I was, even though it was indirect abuse. I felt tarred with the same brush. It’s under investigation so I can’t go in to massive detail, however, I was left broken and scared of being myself. I found strength to tell my wife, through tears. I told my manager, through tears. I told a mate, through tears. However, I talked. That’s why, back in the day, I was a time to change champion, the pioneers of time to talk day. Nobody expects you, my beloved reader, to open up if you’re unsure you can. Know this though, I was unsure I could talk about something that caused me great trauma, I’m actually exhibiting elements of post traumatic stress disorder, but somehow the words got through to ...

 So it seems I've not written one of these for a while so lets catch up. There's been stress coming from exams and mistakes made there by the school, I have completed my dissertation and passed my degree, and I'm still no further along with getting things sorted with work and my neurodiversity. But I've handled it all well... at the time. The reason I decided to add a new blog entry is because, once again, I've dealt with things at the time, carried on, not processed it all properly and it's crashing down around me. I dont want to deal with it. Its like when your phone says memory full, and just stops taking in new information.  Passing a degree is something I should be elated with, and I am proud of myself, but it was like a wall just holding every other emotion back. I quickly became overwhelmed. I've felt isolated, emotionally and physically. The things I enjoy, I have enjoyed, but its not felt right. Something has left me feeling uncomfortable each time....

  A lot, and I mean a lot, of people will always tell you how you should behave, what you can do to improve your mental health. Some mean it in a good way, some are self proclaimed experts. Personally, I’m neither. I’m a service user, that gives me experience to help, but not dictate to. I’m also in my final year of a degree in psychology and counselling, but that only gives me the tools to help. I want to make a difference, because a walking text book has often been my experiences of mental health services. However, I’m also a service user with a degree in mental health based things, but I’m also a man who has recurring suicidal thoughts. Thoughts where I almost fantasise about how people would miss me when I’m gone. Some expert eh? This time of year, with mental health awareness days etc (a day? So I don’t have to be aware any other time? We should always be aware) you will hear a lot about the services out there and people who can help. Take it in. You never know when you may ne...

 So it’s that time of year again, mental health awareness week. I had been planning on writing a blog anyway this week, however, events today have left things so raw and I wanted to write about it before I dilute it and dismiss it in a self-deprecating way like usual.  I attended a mental health first aider refresher course, a great way to keep fresh and be able to help others, and also a great way to be off proper work for a day!!! So, I sat down ready to learn and engage. The first couple of hours went well, how to help other etc, and then we talked about suicide. Suddenly all the thoughts and feelings from November / December came rushing back. How I couldn’t cope. How I tried to hide my thoughts and feelings, how I came to within a whisker of not being here anymore.  I suffer from pretty bad suicidal ideation at the “best” of times, but I think while she sleeps sung it best when saying “when it’s good it’s so good, when it’s bad I wanna die”. When you get in to that l...

 This is embarrassing to write because I have always prided myself on being strong in the face of my mental health, but after months of facing adversity in my life, and overcoming it, last Saturday I cracked. My wife asked a simple question as I walked in to the kitchen, “are you okay?” and that was it, I broke down. As ever, she was a tremendous support, and although it felt better to let it all out, it just papered over the massive cracks in my mental health.  I carried on, another week at work, I had to keep going, I don’t want to let people down. However, every day it felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest, I was teary, forgetful and irritable. It’s like a depression full house!! I lasted until the Sunday. I wasn’t in any fit state to go to work, but I was trying to act normal, put on that front! My train failed. Not unlikely in the current state of the railway, and I remained professional, even helping another guard with their train. Got on the bike. Came h...

  Saturday afternoon, a great time watching my new club, well started watching them in August, Staveley MWFC. A greeting from Pat the manager, a hello from Terry the chairman, and a coffee bought for me by my mate. All was good. Then a switch flicked that evening. I shut down. I cancelled my plans for my birthday, I deleted a load of apps that keep me social, I just didn’t want to associate with the outside world.  What caused it? Fuck knows. I suspect a simple misunderstanding was all it took for the brain to tip over the edge. I often say it’s like juggling for me. I can handle 3 things at once, but throw an extra thing in, no matter how small, and it all comes crashing down.  Just because I’m writing this doesn’t mean everything is good again. It’s not. I don’t want to talk to anybody. It agitates me. Just leave me alone. In the words of Wage War, “don’t keep on telling me that I’m gonna pull through, coz you don’t know low like I do.” I will get there but I want to do...

 Regular readers of this blog will know “Steve”. He’s the name I gave to the irrational / primal part of my brain. He’s the side that quite often influences what I do, as he’s probably tied the rational part up in a basement somewhere.  Anyway, with all that is going on with the world of late, I thought me and Steve could have a chat. Basically it’s an insight in to the thought process of a BPD / ASD person, when things are tough. Kris - go on then, tell me you’ve been waiting for this. Steve- This? I’ve not been waiting, you’ve just been ignoring me! K - yeah coz therapy teaches me to do that S- Oh yeah, “therapy”. You know she’s gonna be pissed off you haven’t been going? You coward! K - she knows the situation with finances and strikes, and why am I a coward? S - looking for excuses not to go! Hang on, did you mention the strikes? Let’s focus on that eh? K - eurgh, well I can’t ignore it. The fact it’s gonna carry on is worrying me. I just want to go to work and come home a...

 Yeah it’s that time of year where every tv channel has a 2022 best of, although channel 4 probably make theirs a naked version, so why shouldn’t I join in, although I will remain clothed, especially in December’s weather. In terms of actual mental health issues, it’s been a quiet year, I’ve had wobbles, most notably in late summer, where I’ve had trouble letting go of things. However, I have also found a wonderful counsellor, first paid for by my employer, which has become ironic given the pressure they’ve put on my mental health of late. I’ve finally found a counsellor who understands me, my quirks and recurring faults, and although industrial action has meant I’ve not been able to see her recently, the brain seems to have understood what we’ve been working at, and I’ve held my shit together, even in the face of… er… issues at work shall we say?! It’s also been 6 years from my big meltdown, and I’m still standing! Of course the summer did bring news of a diagnosis for ASD. Someth...

 As I lay in bed, a single tear drop falls, Throughout this battle I’ve always given my all. The thoughts keep swirling around in my head, I begin to wonder, am I better off dead? People look up to me, my bravery they applaud. I just look back at them, I deem myself a fraud. “We’re here for you” the masses will say. The voices are caring, but don’t keep the thoughts at bay. Others will chastise me, “you’re a liar, sick-note” and more, I’m at the mercy of my mind, I’m it’s bitch and it’s whore. Mental illness I can cope with, autism as well, to a degree, But recent weeks have left the questions unanswered. Is this really me? Perhaps I should retire to a life where the focus is taken away, The fight needs fighting, but nobody needs to hear the words that I say. I’ll finish my studies, I’ve worked so hard to just give up.  However, my race is run for activism, award me the hypocrisy cup! I can’t fight my own battles why would you listen to me? I’ll be okay though, as the tears ro...

 So I’m writing this, my biggest piece to date, after a pretty momentous 2 weeks for my noggin and me. I’ve signed up to become a mental health first aider at work, something I’ve wanted to do for some time, but fitting it around work and uni has been difficult until now. I also had a meeting with my community mental health team who are still confident it’s borderline personality disorder, however, I now need to be checked for autism. It’s never a dull moment with me is it? I’m equally excited and terrified, in equal measure, that I will finally have an official, written down and everything, diagnosis of whatever it will be. I’ve been unwell since 2006, so perhaps there’s light at the end of the tunnel, although what that means with regards to my life going forward, who knows?  Enough about all that though. Sitting on a train coming home from work, I overheard a girl talk to her mate about her autistic colleague, and her language about him was awful. There and then I thought I...

 So I thought I’d write down what was going through my head the other night. Due to be up at 0130, my brain (Steve) and I were deep in discussion. Steve (brain) - can’t sleep eh? Kris (me) - evening Steve S - you know if you can’t sleep you can’t go to work? K - what? S - let’s call in sick. You’re not well after all. K - I’m not? S - no, you’ve got things to worry about. What about people at work who don’t like you? K - (my therapist) said that’s in my head and to ignore those thoughts  S - because they’re true K - no, I have friends at work who understand S - what, coz you write a blog. You’re thinking of writing one now aren’t you? You know people hate them, you attention seeking cunt K - that may be true S - of course it is. Nobody really likes you, they just say they do so you feel better. You’re kids hate you as well. K - eh? S - yeah, they told you. Remember? Probably better off without you. K - I have thought that before. S - no one would miss you. When shall we do it?...

 Let’s start this with an analogy. You have a house, it’s a good house, but then one day you feel low, so you go out and buy a new house. There and then. You walk up to your new house and kick the door down. Why would you do such a stupid thing? Welcome to my world. It was 2017 and my brother in law was talking to me about the Christmas before and how I’d done my best to ruin it and then made a big example of that. He suggested I looked in to borderline personality disorder. Numerous test took place, it’s actually hard to diagnose, and that’s why I have had more mental illness diagnosis’ than I’ve had colds!!! Eventually, yup it’s BPD. “Wow” I thought “what does that mean?” 2022 and I still have no clue! Okay I know I’m prone to reckless behaviour and acting on impulse, but I don’t know why, what the triggers are etc.  So what do I mean by reckless behaviour? Personally, and all BPD sufferers differ with symptoms and actions, I got myself in to a lot of debt, spending money on...

 Much of my recovery is often down to belief that I will get out of any slumps, and the confidence that I can maintain an upward trajectory. It’s a fragile confidence. I’ve been back at work for a few months now, and with each passing day I get a little stronger. I post a selfie each week to boost my self esteem. I get a little stronger each day. And then… People often don’t realise what they say can affect how I feel. I love a laugh and even a joke at my expense. However, after a while, my confidence begins to erode because of the jokes. I had to put a lot of effort in to my recovery and especially the thoughts that I am in some way inferior and people have a negative opinion of me. Just the small matter of a recurring joke about my absences begins to wear me down. I begin to think “do they genuinely think I’m a skiver?”. Maybe I am, maybe I should be stronger and not relapse so often.  So that confidence is already shaken, when the confidence in my own ability is undermined ...

You know when you talk to yourself and you think “am I mad?”. Well who knew it’s actually a treatment for mental illness. Okay I’ll put that in to context before you think I truly am mad and start filling in forms. The brain is made up of primarily 2 different parts. The rational and calm side, and then the primitive, act first and ask questions later side. It’s that side of the brain that I have most problems with. A therapist will say it’s derived from fight or flight. A sufferer will tell you it’s the stupid part of the brain that makes you worry about stupid things and won’t let the rational side help out. That side of the brain, for me, is Steve. Now Steve is an attention seeking twat. Quite often the reasons for my high anxiety is because Steve has found something that may or may not happen and pulled at that thread until such point that I’ve become a gibbering wreck and become ill. His input ranges from “why go out? Nobody really likes you, you’re just invited to make up the num...

  It’s 3pm on a wet afternoon in March. You’ve gotta pick the kids up from school in a bit, then look forward to your impending birthday. 40 eh? What a milestone.   Instead, you don’t feel like you’re in any sort of reality. You’re stood on the outside, of your own life, looking in. Watching it unfold like a film. Confused, you fake a headache just to go to bed and escape from this “film”.  Laid there, at 4pm, the weather is no longer noticeable, the thoughts rush in your brain, and then it hits you. Why bother anymore? You don’t want to celebrate anything, you have nothing to celebrate. Your life has gone nowhere. Would the family even notice if you’d disappear? Nope. The wife does everything anyway. Yeah they’d mourn you briefly but easily move on.  Cue bursting in to tears. The overwhelming emotion you just can’t control. The brain is giving up on you as well now. You cry for half an hour solid. You don’t know what to do next. You curl up in a ball, close your eye...

 So, the last blog I wrote was just after I had been signed off work owing to more of those mental illness battles I was losing. We’ve been over that, and I don’t need to do that again, I felt suicidal and incredibly low, but I’m not far away from returning to work now after some stern, yet rewarding, therapy (just waiting for someone to learn how to use a phone at occy health) and life, although not perfect, is certainly much easier. Why this blog entry then? Well, there’s an issue I have. It’s called borderline personality disorder. It’s mostly a pain in the arse, but manageable. However, sometimes it just loves to deceive me and make me miss it slipping through the net. This time the obsessive side came through. I’m sure ex girlfriends will tell you I’ve never been obsessive, it was a shock to me to discover this can be a symptom 😉 Unfortunately, as a “jock”, I have the unfortunate pleasure of supporting Scotland at international tournaments. Normally it’s a good bit of banter,...

 Well, where do you start after over 2 months of wanting to disappear off the planet. There I guess! Yup, it’s been a very tricky time for me of late, and I’m not going blow by blow, because frankly I can’t put it into words or feel comfortable doing it. However, with mental health awareness week just around the corner, I did need to write something that normalises what mental illness can come to mean. As usual I’d been putting too much pressure on myself, and although I’d loved everything I was doing for mental health awareness, it’s that passion of mine that keeps me going, but following on from a very successful online forum, I crashed. Not in a dignified way either. I will always remember it, and until she reads this, I’d never told my wife, but it was March 1st, the day before my 40th birthday and I couldn’t face things anymore. I told my family that I had a headache and went to bed. I got in to bed and I cried. Not just a tear rolling down my cheek like I’ve experienced many ...

 It was back in 2017 where I wrote my first blog, detailing my struggles with mental illness, and over the years I’ve updated this page with stories of battles and achievements, and really I wanted to write something that shows how much stronger my illness has made me. Since being diagnosed I’ve always made it my mission to help others in a similar position. Mental health became my passion and I want to offer help to anyone who may need it. It’s become my mantra, and I’ve made some really good friends from it. Some of those friends have gone on to campaign along side me, and in some ways, supersede what I set out to achieve. I have my own plans in place though, this is why I’m studying for a degree in Psychology and Counselling with the open university. The best way I could see to affect change, was to use my lived experience to start a new career. Would I have done that without my battles? It’s hard to say, but I was remarkably settled in my career on the railway. The degree has f...