Suicide ideation. My experience

 It’s 3pm on a wet afternoon in March. You’ve gotta pick the kids up from school in a bit, then look forward to your impending birthday. 40 eh? What a milestone. 

Instead, you don’t feel like you’re in any sort of reality. You’re stood on the outside, of your own life, looking in. Watching it unfold like a film. Confused, you fake a headache just to go to bed and escape from this “film”. 

Laid there, at 4pm, the weather is no longer noticeable, the thoughts rush in your brain, and then it hits you. Why bother anymore? You don’t want to celebrate anything, you have nothing to celebrate. Your life has gone nowhere. Would the family even notice if you’d disappear? Nope. The wife does everything anyway. Yeah they’d mourn you briefly but easily move on. 


Cue bursting in to tears. The overwhelming emotion you just can’t control. The brain is giving up on you as well now. You cry for half an hour solid. You don’t know what to do next. You curl up in a ball, close your eyes and hope the world just stops long enough to make sense of things again.

You open your eyes. The pain is still there. So what now? Well the only thing next is to plan the ultimate release. In your mind you start drawing up plans for suicide. You google “painless ways to kill yourself”. Wikipedia gives you lots of ideas, but which one is best? Where will I get painkillers from? What do I have that I can use as a noose? You look at the towels hanging up just across the room from you. Would that work? Where can I do it? When should I do it? 


You go back over all the previous thoughts you’ve had. The nurofen you held in your hand all those years ago. That bridge you’ve walked over and had numerous thoughts about jumping off. 


Then, out of nowhere, that tiny rational bit of your brain that is somehow still firing stops you in your tracks. “You’re too much of a coward anyway. Why are you looking at quick and painless ways? If you’re really gonna do it you’ll just do it!”


It’s a saviour. You’re not happy, you’re far from it, and you still see no way out, but the thoughts have subsided for now. You’ll continue to fight for another month and a half until finally you’ll crack and seek medical help. However, you’re there to do that. You still have thoughts of suicide (suicidal ideation) but it isn’t as bad as that afternoon in March.


Remember , even if you’re feeling alone, you’re not. Text “shout” to 85258 or email jo@samaritans.org.

On October 30th I will be taking part in the CALM lost hours walk. Please feel free to donate and help CALM be there to support those like me in March.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/local-lost-hours-walk-2021610ed498ab55c

Peace 💚

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