A chat with “Steve”

 Regular readers of this blog will know “Steve”. He’s the name I gave to the irrational / primal part of my brain. He’s the side that quite often influences what I do, as he’s probably tied the rational part up in a basement somewhere. 

Anyway, with all that is going on with the world of late, I thought me and Steve could have a chat. Basically it’s an insight in to the thought process of a BPD / ASD person, when things are tough.

Kris - go on then, tell me you’ve been waiting for this.

Steve- This? I’ve not been waiting, you’ve just been ignoring me!

K - yeah coz therapy teaches me to do that

S- Oh yeah, “therapy”. You know she’s gonna be pissed off you haven’t been going? You coward!

K - she knows the situation with finances and strikes, and why am I a coward?

S - looking for excuses not to go! Hang on, did you mention the strikes? Let’s focus on that eh?

K - eurgh, well I can’t ignore it. The fact it’s gonna carry on is worrying me. I just want to go to work and come home and live a normal life.

S - normal? Hahaha we have met right?

K- you know what I mean? It’s constant at work and it’s getting me down again.

S - go sick. You can ignore everything then, and you won’t lose money.

K - to be fair, that’s almost rational thinking, but I can’t go sick just coz things aren’t going my way. I can fight back. 

S - you’re right, how about if we just hurt ourselves for a bit?

K - I don’t like where this is going.

S - no, wait, you’ll love this. Punch yourself, it’s helped in the past. 

K - I have drums to get my anger and frustrations out

S - but you have to set them all up, it takes ages and you can’t be bothered can you?

K - can’t argue with that I guess. My motivation is low.

S - then I give you the alternative. Self harm!

K - shut up 

S - what about if you died? That would help.

K - wouldn’t help those I left behind would it? And what would it really solve?

S - you’d be dead, who cares?

K - I know this is just suicidal ideation, be quiet!

S - whoah, who said suicide? Maybe just take a few risks on the way to work, see what happens?

K- this isn’t constructive 

S - you’re welcome

K - maybe I should explain to people that my anxiety means I may have to leave the union again, and break the strikes!

S - may as well, nobody likes you anyway 

K - really? I mean a few don’t talk to me but..

S - and your coat smells, they all talk about it

K - what are you on about?

S - just saying, you don’t really know these people, and what they think of you. Save £20 a month, be lonely, but have more money. That’s the dream!

K - you see, this is why I don’t talk to you!

S - you’re not saying no to it are you?

K - No! I have to be strong

S - so are we revisiting the accident on the way to work thing? Just don’t slow down at a junction, see what happens…

K - always a pleasure talking to you Steve

S - you can run but you can’t hide. I’ll keep this idea in the back of your head ready.

K - I’m gonna write this down and it’ll feel better you know

S - you’ll still be a selfish prick with a smelly coat!


As ever, thanks for reading and keep talking.

Peace 💚

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