Depression and anxiety

 Well, where do you start after over 2 months of wanting to disappear off the planet. There I guess!

Yup, it’s been a very tricky time for me of late, and I’m not going blow by blow, because frankly I can’t put it into words or feel comfortable doing it. However, with mental health awareness week just around the corner, I did need to write something that normalises what mental illness can come to mean.

As usual I’d been putting too much pressure on myself, and although I’d loved everything I was doing for mental health awareness, it’s that passion of mine that keeps me going, but following on from a very successful online forum, I crashed. Not in a dignified way either. I will always remember it, and until she reads this, I’d never told my wife, but it was March 1st, the day before my 40th birthday and I couldn’t face things anymore. I told my family that I had a headache and went to bed. I got in to bed and I cried. Not just a tear rolling down my cheek like I’ve experienced many times before, this was uncontrollable floods of tears. I just didn’t know where to turn. I stepped down from all the volunteering I’d done, and laid there. All thoughts muddled and in despair.

My 40th just passed me by, I didn’t really take anything in, my family made me a cake that really made me smile, but it didn’t feel like I was there. It felt like I’d let people down who wanted me to be happy.

I even spoke to my boss, I didn’t want to go sick, and I didn’t want him to think I was pulling a fast one. Work was picking up and I was keeping busy, I was feeling much better. Except I wasn't. Looking at it now, I’d have many more dark days than good, but the odd bright spot was keeping me going. It was enough, but I wasn’t being smart about looking after my mental health. Slowly pushing people away, retreating in to myself, and the dark thoughts returned. Did I do anything? Nope, I was fine, it was a blip.

Slowly things began to build uncontrollably, and rather than share it, I carried on regardless. The thoughts multiplied, I began plotting ways to get out of living. So when my bike developed a massive fault, taking away my independence, the brain finally snapped. However, bring me, I decided to self certify for 7 days. Yeah I’ll probably get lambasted at work but I need a break. 4 days later, I wasn’t getting any better, and resigned myself to speaking to my doctor. 

As I calmly explained my symptoms to the doctor, he asked about the “dark thoughts” I’d mentioned. Embarrassed I tried skirting around it. He wasn’t having any of that, and asked again. I broke down. In nearly 15 years of having mental health issues I’ve never cried in front of (or in this case on the phone to) a doctor. I couldn’t handle having those suicidal thoughts, it upset me. I was signed off work for 4 weeks and I self referred myself for yet more therapy.

So that’s that then, jobs a good ‘un, let’s move on. Er, I’d love to say yes. However, it hasn’t just been a case of knowing help was coming. I’ve perhaps been guilty of setting myself a target of 4 weeks to recover. Becoming frustrated when I haven’t made, what I’d class as, significant progress in my recovery. The anxiety comes in waves. The irritability really upsets me because it pushes those who love me away, but I just can’t seem to get a handle on it. There’s something underlying which I just can’t figure out. I’d hope the news that the bike would be back soon would alleviate it, but it simply won’t abide, and that is something I will need that therapy for. Oh the irony of a therapy student needing therapy. It’s not lost on me!

So, yeah this shit has happened to me. I’ve not talked to my parents in 2 months, I’ve not had a sense of independence for a month and I’m still looking on Wikipedia for suicide techniques. However, I’ve realised I’ve got to be open about it, if not just for me, but for others out there who may read this and learn that, despite it being incredibly scary, you can fight it. I recently bought a tee shirt, it said “you are enough” and in the end, I will agree.

Peace 💚