An evening with…

 So I thought I’d write down what was going through my head the other night. Due to be up at 0130, my brain (Steve) and I were deep in discussion.

Steve (brain) - can’t sleep eh?

Kris (me) - evening Steve

S - you know if you can’t sleep you can’t go to work?

K - what?

S - let’s call in sick. You’re not well after all.

K - I’m not?

S - no, you’ve got things to worry about. What about people at work who don’t like you?

K - (my therapist) said that’s in my head and to ignore those thoughts 

S - because they’re true

K - no, I have friends at work who understand

S - what, coz you write a blog. You’re thinking of writing one now aren’t you? You know people hate them, you attention seeking cunt

K - that may be true

S - of course it is. Nobody really likes you, they just say they do so you feel better. You’re kids hate you as well.

K - eh?

S - yeah, they told you. Remember? Probably better off without you.

K - I have thought that before.

S - no one would miss you. When shall we do it?

K - hang on, I don’t want to do it.

S - because you’re scared?

K - partly that, partly because it’ll get better.

S - what? Your mental health? Ha! You always say that, yet here I am again

K - maybe you’re right, this does happen a lot. I just keep slipping back.

S - you know how to solve that?

K - no, I’ll be fine

S - okay, take some time off work. That’s worked well for you before, haven’t you got that meeting soon about absence? 

K - yeah but hopefully it’s just a formality and (manager) will understand 

S - nope, you’re in trouble

K - you’re really not helpful

S - didn’t plan on it. What else is on your mind? How’s money?

K - I’ll be ok, IVA is almost done

S - you know (the wife) thinks you’re a liability with money?

K - I’ve learned and I control that side better now.

S - I’m that side! That’s why we’re having this discussion. You’re fucked mate.

K - leave me alone, I’ve gotta be up in 4 hours.

S - never gonna happen. You could have an “accident” on the way to work. 

K - I’m not discussing suicide with you. It’s not an option.

S - how’s uni? Still waiting on that essay result aren’t you? You know the one you screwed up.?

K - I may have been right and reading too much in to it.

S - nope, you fucked it up. Rushing it and thinking you could cheat the system.

K - there’s no system to cheat, I may have just misunderstood the question…

S - and failed

K - well I’ll have to see what happens

S - jack it in, you’re obviously not cut out for uni and work 

K - I need sleep

S - right, I think we’re done here for now. You get three hours sleep and I’ll see you in the morning to ruin your day. Eurgh, malties for breakfast, you should do better


Okay, so that’s a brief overview of how my BPD sometimes gets the better of me. Hopefully it’s a just a blip. Shit happens.

Peace 💚

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