Borderline? Sometimes!

 Let’s start this with an analogy. You have a house, it’s a good house, but then one day you feel low, so you go out and buy a new house. There and then. You walk up to your new house and kick the door down. Why would you do such a stupid thing? Welcome to my world.

It was 2017 and my brother in law was talking to me about the Christmas before and how I’d done my best to ruin it and then made a big example of that. He suggested I looked in to borderline personality disorder. Numerous test took place, it’s actually hard to diagnose, and that’s why I have had more mental illness diagnosis’ than I’ve had colds!!! Eventually, yup it’s BPD. “Wow” I thought “what does that mean?” 2022 and I still have no clue! Okay I know I’m prone to reckless behaviour and acting on impulse, but I don’t know why, what the triggers are etc. 

So what do I mean by reckless behaviour? Personally, and all BPD sufferers differ with symptoms and actions, I got myself in to a lot of debt, spending money on frivolities, just to give myself a kick, a lift if you like. I didn’t care about the consequences. I’d take unnecessary risks, quite often doing things, looking back now, that were idiotic. A highlight of which was walking down the waterways in Sheffield because I’d heard people were being attacked down there, I would fight anyone who tried. That was the thought process. Stupid right? I’d been doing stupid things like this all my life. Walking through rough areas of Norwich at night because in my mind I was immortal. 

BPD is a nightmare when you’re in a relationship too. This is where the kicking the door in on your new house analogy comes from. Married to a beautiful woman, 3 wonderful children. It’s almost as if the brain gets restless, and sets about destroying that. Looking for things that’ll cause arguments and let you escape. That nearly all came to fruition with me. A young lady had decided that I’d be the focus of her attentions. My wife told me straight away that this wasn’t on. I thought nothing of it. I then began to talk to the other woman more, my brain was feeding of the self destructive nature of BPD. I didn’t know at the time because I didn’t know I had such a disorder. It would ruin everything around me. I ended up moving out. Nothing ever happened with the other woman, but my brain had won, I’d destroyed people being close to me, I could do what I want. That time apart from my wife gave me the moment of lucidity I needed to fight back. It was a massive battle, and one I have to win every day. I need those around me to remain close, even if my brain screams at me that we want to be alone, to do what we want. 

There’s so many examples of what I’ve done throughout my life, before I even heard the term BPD, and although I was never off the rails, some things I did were reckless.

Having the word “personality” in a disorder does make it scary, and I’m sure recent media interest will make it look like you have a split personality in a dangerous way. It’s kinda like a split personality, it’s part of the brain that wants to you risk everything, act recklessly, but therapy teaches us that you can control it.

When I feel a spike I take me foot off the cunt pedal, step away and let the emotions subside. My purchase of a new electric drum kit highlights that it’s not easy to control, but I’ve been taught to recognise and react, before I end up hurting myself or others (emotionally). It’s probably best not to take offence if I get annoyed or even snap at you, I’m doing it for “drama”, it satisfies the ‘Steve’ in my head, and he gets his moment to be a twat, before the better half of my brain shuts him up. 

I still don’t think I’ve explained it all that well, so really if you want to know about BPD just ask me a question, it’s the best way for me to make sense of it. 

I’m not blameless, BPD is not an excuse for acting like a twat, and I’m learning to grow with it and control it. 

Peace 💚