An update

 This is embarrassing to write because I have always prided myself on being strong in the face of my mental health, but after months of facing adversity in my life, and overcoming it, last Saturday I cracked. My wife asked a simple question as I walked in to the kitchen, “are you okay?” and that was it, I broke down. As ever, she was a tremendous support, and although it felt better to let it all out, it just papered over the massive cracks in my mental health. 

I carried on, another week at work, I had to keep going, I don’t want to let people down. However, every day it felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest, I was teary, forgetful and irritable. It’s like a depression full house!! I lasted until the Sunday. I wasn’t in any fit state to go to work, but I was trying to act normal, put on that front! My train failed. Not unlikely in the current state of the railway, and I remained professional, even helping another guard with their train. Got on the bike. Came home. Snapped! I just wanted to burst in to tears. I couldn’t control my breathing. I’d already remarked to Mrs G earlier in the day that my PHQ-9 and GAD-7 scores were severe, and my wellness score had been at 33% for 6 weeks. However, I was still determined to carry on, but sometimes you have to concede it’s not safe, or sensible, to carry on.

So what’s going on? Well, I have no drive. I currently see no purpose to my life, I’ve had more suicidal ideation, but this time I’ve made sure there’s nothing around that I could follow through with, the ideation had become that distressing. I believe I told Mrs G I was aware it was just thoughts, but I am scared at one stage I may just give up fighting the thoughts and need to protect myself.

It feels like I am watching all this like a tv show. All the things happening feel like I’m not there. That they don’t exist. It’s a strange feeling, and one I can’t really put in to words. Nothing feels real. You’re living your life, but you’re not actually there!

Being neurodiverse does make a recurrence of depression more likely, and it’s a depressive disorder, it’s about maintaining a good balance, but there were so many different contributing factors, it felt like every time I was trying to get up, I was being kicked down again. I can’t take it anymore. I’m hoping I can fight back and it’s not as severe as all the indications suggest, but I will be keeping my head down, not just to focus on the fight, but because I’m embarrassed by it all again.

Keep smiling. Peace 💚

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