Mental health hiding

 For this mental health awareness week, because it only takes a week eh, I decided to write a blog around recent events, my neurodiversity and depression. 

Those diagnosed with autism are 40% more likely to encounter episodes of depression. That’s some stat, and some scary stat at that. I have had  serious episodes of depression in the past, before my diagnosis of autism, and it now makes sense, but I have been able to minimise mental health issues on my life, and I’ve also become an expert at hiding them. This blog finally uncovers some of the stuff I’ve hidden, to convince people I am stronger.

I started the year with hope. I was making progress with my neurodiversity, I found motivation to progress my career and family life was settled. Then, boom, my life changed. Comments were made at work that made me ashamed to be autistic. I hid any trace of it and when I told my wife, I broke down. After speaking to others I decided to take a stand, and say “this is not okay”. It was then that my life felt like I was in a washing machine. I lost control over things, I felt like I was being chucked about and things were spinning constantly. I stuck with the procedure. Investigations were attended, questions asked, policies adhered to. However, I didn’t belong. I was watching this unfolding from the outside. Yeah I was involved but it wasn’t me. I was watching a drama, featuring me, and it was uncomfortable viewing .

I struggled to sleep, I couldn’t switch off. I opened up google. “Painless ways to kill yourself”. I couldn’t face the future. Convinced everybody hated me, convinced I couldn’t face colleagues anymore. I continued to offer support to others involved, it’s my way of coping, but I was broken. I saw nothing in front of me. Some say it’s living in the moment. I’d say it’s avoiding the future. 

I hid all this of course. My wife, who is my rock, knew I was struggling with it all, but she had no idea of my suicidal ideation. It’s a guilt thing. She has a lot to deal with, I’ll get through this. Never crosses my mind that I won’t, and that’s either great, or dangerous. I didn’t tell the friend I was helping, they needed my support. Didn’t tell my boss. They actually said to me last week how well I did to stay at work!!! Maybe it’s self preservation? I’m a professionally qualified psychologist. I still don’t know what goes on in my head! 

The investigation is now closed, and never really solved anything. I’m being afforded the opportunity to speak about my neurodiversity, and help shape policy, but I’ve never had a chance to explain why I reported people for what they probably perceived as “banter”. Am I shit scared of seeing them around? Oh yes. Have I told anyone of those fears? Of course not. This is a whole new level of masking. Neuro and mental health masking. Who said men can’t multitask? 

The crux of being autistic is you over analyse. This is where I’m at right now. People telling me to not worry about others views, but I have to analyse those views, twist it, catastrophise and repeat! Unbelievably I used to be so much worse with that. Counselling has helped. However, it is how my brain is wired up. Others think it’s banter, I take it to heart. Others think I’ve gone over the top, I feel wronged. Others want to support me, I wonder why.

So is this why I’ve looked at suicidal ideation so much? A way out from a vicious cycle of self doubt and too much self awareness? Suddenly that stat about a neurodiverse individual being more prone to depression makes so much sense. 

It’s a long road for me, and a very well worn path too. Counselling is a crutch for me in a way, but equally it’s given me tools to combat the intrusive thoughts. Part of me remains hopeful that the media work I’ll be doing around work and neurodiversity will help people understand why I went down the route of reporting things. Part of me remains sceptical, and it’s that part that feeds the insecurities and ideation, but as long as I’m talking, I’m still here. 

That’s my point though. I may be hiding a lot, but I have counselling, I publish these blogs and eventually I tell my wife! I do talk, just not in the orthodox way people may think when they say “talk to others”. Doesn’t have to be war and peace, it can be a paragraph on social media, or  throwaway comment to friends and family. Any words, no matter the length, will let others know how you are really doing. 

Keep smiling 💚