Me, myself and it. My story of depression

  I can’t really find the words to explain where I’m at right now, and I’m only writing this now because I know I won’t see people for a while and I feel a wee bit embarrassed.  In short, after 9 major life events in 7 months, I ended up being worn out. My counsellor is awesome but even she was fighting a losing battle. There is one party I could blame but I’m aware that would get me in trouble but they’re aware who they are.  This is not just a case of feeling low either. This is a head full of noise, all day, every day. I’m hesitant to say “voices in my head” because people will think schizophrenia, but it’s a constant talking in my head, like when you’re in a pub and background noise, but 24 hours a day. It’s bloody scary because, even after 20 years of mental health issues this is new to me. This feels different. This is so hard to cope with.  I spoke to my GP. This normally works for me, gives me respite and I feel better straight away. Respite. This time nothin...

 For this mental health awareness week, because it only takes a week eh, I decided to write a blog around recent events, my neurodiversity and depression.  Those diagnosed with autism are 40% more likely to encounter episodes of depression. That’s some stat, and some scary stat at that. I have had  serious episodes of depression in the past, before my diagnosis of autism, and it now makes sense, but I have been able to minimise mental health issues on my life, and I’ve also become an expert at hiding them. This blog finally uncovers some of the stuff I’ve hidden, to convince people I am stronger. I started the year with hope. I was making progress with my neurodiversity, I found motivation to progress my career and family life was settled. Then, boom, my life changed. Comments were made at work that made me ashamed to be autistic. I hid any trace of it and when I told my wife, I broke down. After speaking to others I decided to take a stand, and say “this is not okay”. It...

 I’ve always advocated talking. As someone with alexithymia that’s not exactly easy for me but we need to talk about tolerance, mental health, neurodiversity and being you.  At the beginning of the month I was involved in a distressing incident in the workplace, which led to me being ashamed of who I was, even though it was indirect abuse. I felt tarred with the same brush. It’s under investigation so I can’t go in to massive detail, however, I was left broken and scared of being myself. I found strength to tell my wife, through tears. I told my manager, through tears. I told a mate, through tears. However, I talked. That’s why, back in the day, I was a time to change champion, the pioneers of time to talk day. Nobody expects you, my beloved reader, to open up if you’re unsure you can. Know this though, I was unsure I could talk about something that caused me great trauma, I’m actually exhibiting elements of post traumatic stress disorder, but somehow the words got through to ...

 So it seems I've not written one of these for a while so lets catch up. There's been stress coming from exams and mistakes made there by the school, I have completed my dissertation and passed my degree, and I'm still no further along with getting things sorted with work and my neurodiversity. But I've handled it all well... at the time. The reason I decided to add a new blog entry is because, once again, I've dealt with things at the time, carried on, not processed it all properly and it's crashing down around me. I dont want to deal with it. Its like when your phone says memory full, and just stops taking in new information.  Passing a degree is something I should be elated with, and I am proud of myself, but it was like a wall just holding every other emotion back. I quickly became overwhelmed. I've felt isolated, emotionally and physically. The things I enjoy, I have enjoyed, but its not felt right. Something has left me feeling uncomfortable each time....

  A lot, and I mean a lot, of people will always tell you how you should behave, what you can do to improve your mental health. Some mean it in a good way, some are self proclaimed experts. Personally, I’m neither. I’m a service user, that gives me experience to help, but not dictate to. I’m also in my final year of a degree in psychology and counselling, but that only gives me the tools to help. I want to make a difference, because a walking text book has often been my experiences of mental health services. However, I’m also a service user with a degree in mental health based things, but I’m also a man who has recurring suicidal thoughts. Thoughts where I almost fantasise about how people would miss me when I’m gone. Some expert eh? This time of year, with mental health awareness days etc (a day? So I don’t have to be aware any other time? We should always be aware) you will hear a lot about the services out there and people who can help. Take it in. You never know when you may ne...

 So it’s that time of year again, mental health awareness week. I had been planning on writing a blog anyway this week, however, events today have left things so raw and I wanted to write about it before I dilute it and dismiss it in a self-deprecating way like usual.  I attended a mental health first aider refresher course, a great way to keep fresh and be able to help others, and also a great way to be off proper work for a day!!! So, I sat down ready to learn and engage. The first couple of hours went well, how to help other etc, and then we talked about suicide. Suddenly all the thoughts and feelings from November / December came rushing back. How I couldn’t cope. How I tried to hide my thoughts and feelings, how I came to within a whisker of not being here anymore.  I suffer from pretty bad suicidal ideation at the “best” of times, but I think while she sleeps sung it best when saying “when it’s good it’s so good, when it’s bad I wanna die”. When you get in to that l...