Me, myself and it. My story of depression

 So it seems I've not written one of these for a while so lets catch up. There's been stress coming from exams and mistakes made there by the school, I have completed my dissertation and passed my degree, and I'm still no further along with getting things sorted with work and my neurodiversity. But I've handled it all well... at the time. The reason I decided to add a new blog entry is because, once again, I've dealt with things at the time, carried on, not processed it all properly and it's crashing down around me. I dont want to deal with it. Its like when your phone says memory full, and just stops taking in new information.  Passing a degree is something I should be elated with, and I am proud of myself, but it was like a wall just holding every other emotion back. I quickly became overwhelmed. I've felt isolated, emotionally and physically. The things I enjoy, I have enjoyed, but its not felt right. Something has left me feeling uncomfortable each time....

  A lot, and I mean a lot, of people will always tell you how you should behave, what you can do to improve your mental health. Some mean it in a good way, some are self proclaimed experts. Personally, I’m neither. I’m a service user, that gives me experience to help, but not dictate to. I’m also in my final year of a degree in psychology and counselling, but that only gives me the tools to help. I want to make a difference, because a walking text book has often been my experiences of mental health services. However, I’m also a service user with a degree in mental health based things, but I’m also a man who has recurring suicidal thoughts. Thoughts where I almost fantasise about how people would miss me when I’m gone. Some expert eh? This time of year, with mental health awareness days etc (a day? So I don’t have to be aware any other time? We should always be aware) you will hear a lot about the services out there and people who can help. Take it in. You never know when you may ne...

 So it’s that time of year again, mental health awareness week. I had been planning on writing a blog anyway this week, however, events today have left things so raw and I wanted to write about it before I dilute it and dismiss it in a self-deprecating way like usual.  I attended a mental health first aider refresher course, a great way to keep fresh and be able to help others, and also a great way to be off proper work for a day!!! So, I sat down ready to learn and engage. The first couple of hours went well, how to help other etc, and then we talked about suicide. Suddenly all the thoughts and feelings from November / December came rushing back. How I couldn’t cope. How I tried to hide my thoughts and feelings, how I came to within a whisker of not being here anymore.  I suffer from pretty bad suicidal ideation at the “best” of times, but I think while she sleeps sung it best when saying “when it’s good it’s so good, when it’s bad I wanna die”. When you get in to that l...

 This is embarrassing to write because I have always prided myself on being strong in the face of my mental health, but after months of facing adversity in my life, and overcoming it, last Saturday I cracked. My wife asked a simple question as I walked in to the kitchen, “are you okay?” and that was it, I broke down. As ever, she was a tremendous support, and although it felt better to let it all out, it just papered over the massive cracks in my mental health.  I carried on, another week at work, I had to keep going, I don’t want to let people down. However, every day it felt like my heart was trying to jump out of my chest, I was teary, forgetful and irritable. It’s like a depression full house!! I lasted until the Sunday. I wasn’t in any fit state to go to work, but I was trying to act normal, put on that front! My train failed. Not unlikely in the current state of the railway, and I remained professional, even helping another guard with their train. Got on the bike. Came h...

  Saturday afternoon, a great time watching my new club, well started watching them in August, Staveley MWFC. A greeting from Pat the manager, a hello from Terry the chairman, and a coffee bought for me by my mate. All was good. Then a switch flicked that evening. I shut down. I cancelled my plans for my birthday, I deleted a load of apps that keep me social, I just didn’t want to associate with the outside world.  What caused it? Fuck knows. I suspect a simple misunderstanding was all it took for the brain to tip over the edge. I often say it’s like juggling for me. I can handle 3 things at once, but throw an extra thing in, no matter how small, and it all comes crashing down.  Just because I’m writing this doesn’t mean everything is good again. It’s not. I don’t want to talk to anybody. It agitates me. Just leave me alone. In the words of Wage War, “don’t keep on telling me that I’m gonna pull through, coz you don’t know low like I do.” I will get there but I want to do...

 Regular readers of this blog will know “Steve”. He’s the name I gave to the irrational / primal part of my brain. He’s the side that quite often influences what I do, as he’s probably tied the rational part up in a basement somewhere.  Anyway, with all that is going on with the world of late, I thought me and Steve could have a chat. Basically it’s an insight in to the thought process of a BPD / ASD person, when things are tough. Kris - go on then, tell me you’ve been waiting for this. Steve- This? I’ve not been waiting, you’ve just been ignoring me! K - yeah coz therapy teaches me to do that S- Oh yeah, “therapy”. You know she’s gonna be pissed off you haven’t been going? You coward! K - she knows the situation with finances and strikes, and why am I a coward? S - looking for excuses not to go! Hang on, did you mention the strikes? Let’s focus on that eh? K - eurgh, well I can’t ignore it. The fact it’s gonna carry on is worrying me. I just want to go to work and come home a...