Confidence

 Much of my recovery is often down to belief that I will get out of any slumps, and the confidence that I can maintain an upward trajectory. It’s a fragile confidence.

I’ve been back at work for a few months now, and with each passing day I get a little stronger. I post a selfie each week to boost my self esteem. I get a little stronger each day. And then…

People often don’t realise what they say can affect how I feel. I love a laugh and even a joke at my expense. However, after a while, my confidence begins to erode because of the jokes. I had to put a lot of effort in to my recovery and especially the thoughts that I am in some way inferior and people have a negative opinion of me. Just the small matter of a recurring joke about my absences begins to wear me down. I begin to think “do they genuinely think I’m a skiver?”. Maybe I am, maybe I should be stronger and not relapse so often. 

So that confidence is already shaken, when the confidence in my own ability is undermined by a manager, presumably aiming to prove himself to those above him, who begins to pick holes in what I’m doing. “Does he not trust me anymore? Does he want me gone?”. It all transpires from a problem that didn’t even exist, a misunderstanding on the managers part, but I begin to doubt myself. I withdraw in to myself. 

So that is it. All the medication in the world, all the therapy the NHS can offer, all the work I do, can be undone just by people not thinking and damaging my fragile confidence. To summarise, just think about what you’re saying or doing, and how it could affect someone’s thought processes. I have time away soon to rebuild my confidence and inner strength, and we’ll “go again”. Just be mindful, and that goes for all parties. 

Peace 💚