Window in a box?

 So it seems I've not written one of these for a while so lets catch up. There's been stress coming from exams and mistakes made there by the school, I have completed my dissertation and passed my degree, and I'm still no further along with getting things sorted with work and my neurodiversity. But I've handled it all well... at the time.

The reason I decided to add a new blog entry is because, once again, I've dealt with things at the time, carried on, not processed it all properly and it's crashing down around me. I dont want to deal with it. Its like when your phone says memory full, and just stops taking in new information. 

Passing a degree is something I should be elated with, and I am proud of myself, but it was like a wall just holding every other emotion back. I quickly became overwhelmed. I've felt isolated, emotionally and physically. The things I enjoy, I have enjoyed, but its not felt right. Something has left me feeling uncomfortable each time. 

You then get stuck in a rut. Nothing is quite right. Something goes wrong and it starts a meltdown. Ive been holding it together and preventing the meltdowns but I've not been dealing with the causes. I can see the flood water seeping through the cracks but I've got to be strong for everyone. What will my family think? The kids must think "dad's sick again?", the wife must think "i could do without all this again". Then there's my employer. Although I've warned that I needed help to prevent these emotions and mental ill health, tbis will still be my fault. 

Perhaps it is my fault. I just dont learn. Rather than admit something affects me, I carry on, that issue gets pushed to the back of my mind. Its perhaps a consequence of my naivety with ASD, where I think I get it, but evidently i don't!! My hesitance to ask for help certainly doesn't help. Ive reached out but then deleted messages, blocked numbers and then stopped conversations with SHOUT because I can't make sense of my thoughts. So im left with a blog. Sad isn't it?

I've begun daydreaming about suicide. Where could I do it on the way home from work. Would it solve stuff? Why, if I open up about this stuff, is it called suicide ideation? Am I not serious about my darkest thoughts? I hope so but I dont understand anything right now. 

So where do I go from here? Put sandbags by the gates and carry on running from the emotional wave? I'm putting this out there so people understand, and may help me make sense of things. Its a long shot. When you have a heart fighting to get out of your chest, when a creamy chicken bake exploding in the oven can make you burst in to tears, or no tears at all when you can't explain to the woman you love, why you can't face leaving the house, where do you go next? 

Keep smiling 💚