A new mental health life

 So I’m writing this, my biggest piece to date, after a pretty momentous 2 weeks for my noggin and me. I’ve signed up to become a mental health first aider at work, something I’ve wanted to do for some time, but fitting it around work and uni has been difficult until now. I also had a meeting with my community mental health team who are still confident it’s borderline personality disorder, however, I now need to be checked for autism. It’s never a dull moment with me is it? I’m equally excited and terrified, in equal measure, that I will finally have an official, written down and everything, diagnosis of whatever it will be. I’ve been unwell since 2006, so perhaps there’s light at the end of the tunnel, although what that means with regards to my life going forward, who knows? 

Enough about all that though. Sitting on a train coming home from work, I overheard a girl talk to her mate about her autistic colleague, and her language about him was awful. There and then I thought I’d write a piece about the story of those with mental illnesses. Not just me (and “steve”, read previous blogs about him), but friends, social media folk and those people you pass by everyday in the street. We need to lessen the stigma, we need to appreciate what people with mental illness have to offer, and what they go through trying to prove it.

Steven Pearce, a Norwich fan I met through twitter, has publicised his own battles online, and his inspiring words meant it was a no brainer when he offered his help with this piece. I opened by asking Steven his initial thoughts and feelings when he was diagnosed by his doctor. “Relief, I knew something was wrong and it was good to put a label on it.” We continue as I ask him who the first person was that he could share his illness with. “My doctor” Steven replies, “I had spent a lot of time denying anything was wrong”. I was slightly taken aback by that, in my own personal battles, I’ve always been hesitant to open up to anyone like a doctor. In fact I spent a great deal of time agonising over that chat I had recently with the community mental health team. So how long was it before he had the courage to talk to the doctor? “Years, too long to mention, only once suicidal did I realise it had gone too far”. It’s often difficult to admit that, some remain in denial, suffering in silence. “So, have you ever suffered stigma as a result of your illness?” I ask, almost knowing the answer. “I think people treat me differently because of my diagnosis and I wish they wouldn’t.” Strong words, Steven also alludes to this being a major change in his life. The attitudes of others and how they treat him, has been the most notable change he’s noticed since his illness became public knowledge. I touch on his ability to share his story, “yes” he replies when asked if he feels able to do just that, “I also feel embarrassed as i considered myself mentally strong before diagnosis”. I again revisit his statement about feeling judged, “mainly because of my earlier comments. People think I will fall apart at the smallest criticism. I won’t”. This is is certainly something I found in my life. A former boss would rather hide away than discuss anything he thought could potentially upset me. It’s frustrating. To finish with I wanted to know if any part of his mental illness had actually made him stronger? I’ve learnt when I’m mentally degrading and how to cope and deal with it by myself, although not always successfully”, I smile to myself, I know we’ve all been there when your own efforts feel like failure, “and I’m gradually getting less embarrassed, and more open about my illness”. With that Steven is off to show how strong he is, by watching Norwich City!!!

Following my chat with Steven, I next spoke with Tina, a wonderful woman who’s had her share of mental health based issues. A colleague at another company, she’s also mum to Jess, one of the poor sods working with me, who herself raised loads for Mind, following a sky dive!!! I first spoke to Tina after my piece for the Sheffield Star newspaper, and I was thrilled she offered to help with this piece. I began by asking what she felt was the main issue affecting her. “My ongoing mental health is always up and down! Good and bad days”. I expected that to be a difficult question to answer, but that answer sums up a lot of people I feel. So, with the up and down mental health,  did she have someone to share that burden with? “Now that’s hard” Tina replies, “I confided in a friend (at first), then after a few months, my husband and daughter. I was not one for talking to anyone for a long time”. How long was it until you felt you could be more open I ask. “Many months, I just couldn’t talk to anyone if I’m honest, and I didn’t want to.” Again I could sympathise, I still hide things from people, it drives them nuts, but it almost feels easier to cope that way, rather than put upon them. I begun to wonder if this was as a result of stigma, or worrying about it? Tina replied, “to some extent yes in the early days as people didn’t understand or didn’t want to” she goes on, “it’s hard to put in to words how some can make you feel worthless as they don’t feel mental health are real”. Personally my experiences were more from people who didn’t understand how to deal with my mental illness, so to hear Tina talk of this prejudice that she encountered is awful. I wanted to know if her mental health problems had affected her life, and what had changed. “Day to day life sometimes can be a struggle, and I can get quite emotional. I have had some excellent therapy which has changed my outlook on life”, as a man rapidly approaching the end of his degree, and begin a new career in counselling, this was music to my ears. “My family still worry about me”, Tina continues, “but I do feel that I am in control of my life”. Given our first encounter, I feel compelled to ask if Tina felt she could share her own story? “Absolutely!, I talk a lot now, and if it helps somebody else, then it helps me!”. Wow!! Of course we’d already touched on stigma, but does she ever feel judged? “A lot of people judged me which bothered me a lot, but as the saying goes ‘never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes’!”. This made me smile, it is indeed a powerful and apt saying. I try and catch Tina out with my final questions. Have your mental health issues actually made you stronger? “Wow!” She exclaims, “not sure if it’s made me stronger, maybe it has. I certainly talk more and I am more open about my feelings, and what is happening in my life”. Tina pauses, “I live day to day and try to think of all the good things in my life and not the bad, if you know what I’m trying to say?” This time it’s my turn to pause and smile ruefully, that’s just what I’m supposed to do! “I had so many reasons not to live, but that has now reversed. I have so many reasons to live!”. What a fantastic way to finish, and once I’d convinced her what she had said was fine, and repeat how thankful I was for her help, I let Tina escape back to work, raising  money for an allotment destroyed in a recent fire, and no doubt assisting Jess with her forthcoming wedding. Tina is certainly a busy woman, and what an example of what you can do, even with a mental illness.

I was also lucky enough to speak to Sarah, well known and liked on twitter, she’s an incredibly strong women, and we had a brief back and forth via WhatsApp.

Who was the first person you shared your mental health problems with? “My ex boyfriend in 2002” and how long was it before you told them? “I Can’t really remember to be honest, he actually called me out over all my issues”. That’s certainly symptomatic of a lot of people I speak to. You feel your hiding the illness, and I’ve become great at it, but people will call you out eventually. Anyway, I digress! I’m sure you’ve experienced stigma, is that the case? “No not personally but I am aware it still happens”. I can only put this down to openness of Sarah, her balls to wall attitude will make people think twice, even if it’s painting an untrue picture at times. It was time for the obvious question. Do you feel you can share your story “Yes I don’t have any issues with sharing whatsoever”, which doesn’t surprise anyone who knows Sarah or follows @claretbubbles on twitter. Her story and open attitude is refreshing. However, does she ever feel judged? “No I’m lucky to have an excellent peer support network”.  With that peer support and from what you’ve said so far, do you feel stronger? “Yes I’m able to reach out for help much quicker. I’m able to reflect and learn lessons. I’m able to recognise my issues and have plans in place to deal with them.” Sarah, being Sarah, enthusiastic about mental health, was happy to chat away, and I urge those of you with twitter to follow her on @claretbubbles. However, this time I have to let her go, she had to watch her beloved wet spam get beaten by Brighton! It’s no wonder she has demons!!!

I have to end this blog somewhere, and had so many offers, but this, from a confidant of mine, who wishes to remain anonymous, is such a poignant way to finish. I didn’t want to edit this, I’d asked them via social media for their answers and it’s just a fascinating read without my input other than the questions. So, in their own words….

Who was the first person you shared your mental health problems with and after how long ? 

My wife and close friends  knew id had anxiety and depression for possibly the last 6-7 years however i always kept the severity of the problem away from them until 1 year ago where i was at my breaking point and asked for help . 

Have you experienced stigma?

Definitely yes but in truth its generally been from what id call the older generation who dont really understand my condition. Ive done my best to explain however i fully understand that its tough if youve never been in my position. In truth ,i dont always understand it myself.

How has your condition changed your life ? 

Im trying to see the positives in the negatives here,the last year has been the toughest of my life . However because it was so tough ive started to find what i need to feel better . 

Meditation, regular counselling sessions are an absolute must . Ive also realized that human interaction is something i was lacking .if im feeling down ill go out of my way to talk to people around me and be involved in conversation. Im currently battling with the thought that ive been living in a miserable depression filled daze for the last 30+ years when i could have  taken some very easy steps at the beginning to be better . 

Do you feel able to share your story?

I share with people i feel comfortable with or those that i think will understand. 

I found that the embarrassment of admitting your problems soon go and becomes liberating and like a weight is lifted everytime you admit to both yourself and others

Do you feel judged? 

Of course , thats part of it . I have a lower opinion of myself than others probably do though . Im coming to find that the people who make judgements on me in a negative sense arent actually the people i should be worried about . The ones that listened to me while i cried are the ones i care about .  My circle has become incredibly small because of this ,and if im honest ,im ok with that 

Have you become stronger? 

Tough question.. i dont know ! Im still working out who the new me is !

That was it, and no wonder they wanted to remain anonymous, although I personally think they’d be accepted without the anonymity but I respect their choice. How many of us haven’t felt like the emotions described in those answers though. I’m proud to call this person a mate and hope they read this and see that.

So, that’s just four people, and me of course, who have issues, but don’t let that rule their life, in fact, with Steven, Tina, Sarah and that person you don’t know is struggling, it shows that just because someone suffers from suicidal ideation or just struggle to cope at times, they’re no different to anyone else, they’re just another person walking down the street, who you’d be lucky to meet.