Words fail me


 


I can’t really find the words to explain where I’m at right now, and I’m only writing this now because I know I won’t see people for a while and I feel a wee bit embarrassed. 


In short, after 9 major life events in 7 months, I ended up being worn out. My counsellor is awesome but even she was fighting a losing battle. There is one party I could blame but I’m aware that would get me in trouble but they’re aware who they are. 


This is not just a case of feeling low either. This is a head full of noise, all day, every day. I’m hesitant to say “voices in my head” because people will think schizophrenia, but it’s a constant talking in my head, like when you’re in a pub and background noise, but 24 hours a day. It’s bloody scary because, even after 20 years of mental health issues this is new to me. This feels different. This is so hard to cope with. 


I spoke to my GP. This normally works for me, gives me respite and I feel better straight away. Respite. This time nothing has changed. I’ve tried, and let’s be honest it’s bloody stupid, “alternative” coping mechanisms, involving knives, but that just numbs the anger I feel with myself. I genuinely dread to think what it would be like without my medication. 


On the outside I am doing well, my mask is well and truly fitted, and like I said, the embarrassment I would feel if people knew how I really was, and saw me face to face, would be too much. I’m very aware people will see my social media posts from the football and cricket and think “well he seems to be having fun there”. In the moment I had that release. My family is my world. However, my heart was still thumping, the noise in my head was still there, but the smiles and laughs could override those other feelings. A day late, without those distractions, I’m back to irritable, feelings of dread, feelings I’ve let people down, guilt, and the noise.


I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t judge what you don’t know. Is this a breakdown? I don’t know, I’ve never experienced this. I honestly thought, 4 weeks off work would be fine. 


I can’t write anything more, but I wanted you to know. 


Peace 💚

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