Me, myself and it. My story of depression

There's a belief that once you've had your treatment, and you've not had to take time off, that you've beaten depression and you're ok now. Although that's accurate to a degree, every day a new challenge for me to face, and it can be just that, a challenge. The trouble is, some challenges I don't like to, or want to, face and this leads to disillusionment. I've stood up recently, put my head above the parapet, applied for jobs that really are out of my comfort zone. I was shot down. Twice. I put a brave face on it, but it hurt, my confidence took a hit. You end up thinking what's the point. You then carry this in to your working day. I've become withdrawn. I'm convincing myself that I don't fit in, so I just sit here quietly. I'm spare today and I've barely spoken. It's not because I'm grumpy, or tired, it's because I'm disillusioned and unhappy. However, talk to me and I'll be smiley and jokey. My game face. ...

Ok, so I tried to make my birthday something to enjoy, I promise. I made plans for a drinks get together and even got the day off work. So what happened? My head. It seems that I just won’t let myself be happy. I decided that my birthday was an inconvenience, and something to get annoyed with. I do this at Christmas too, and I fear it’ll be the same when we renew our vows in August. I can’t begin to explain why I get this way, it’s one of the things I just can’t get my head round. You know the worst thing? I penalise those who care about me and my mental health. Did you make a fuss about my birthday? Well I best throw it in your face because that’s a reasonable way to deal with the attention. I’m sorry, but can I say that in person? What do you think. I also took a massive step though by organising drinks for my birthday. My confidence is fragile, so to put myself out there, where I can be shot down was a real positive. Until the old noggin steps up to undermine my fragile confiden...

When I last wrote, I was facing a rapidly approaching Christmas and I wasn’t sure how I was going to find it. As is the case with my head, the apocalyptic festive season never appeared. In fact, and whisper it quietly, I actually quite enjoyed Christmas this year. Taking all 3 boys down to Norwich on my own had its challenges, but even then it was nice to spend daddy and boys time together. As is the case, I would’ve spent longer in Norwich if I could, you start to think old friends are beginning to forget about you and you become an acquaintance, however, I don’t tend to like being that social just yet, it was a problem that came up during therapy, and one that I’ve struggled to deal with. Instead, opting for staying at home, which in my mind means I don’t waste a precious day off travelling about. Crazy isn’t it? Preceding Christmas, and my trip to Norwich, I did receive news that, I’ll admit, was a confidence crushingly blow. I’d been standing for union rep at my depot, I thought i...

So on the 17th it will be a year since my Mrs frogmarched me to the doctors, and I was signed off work with a depressive disorder. So what’s changed in the past year? Everything and nothing is the confusing answer. I say that because I’ve made big progress in managing my mental health. Tackling things head on and talking more. That’s made the biggest impact on my life, but also of those closest to me, who’ve had to suffer from the mood swings and dark thoughts, and that’s only when I watch Norwich City. I guess that’s the moral from my story. Talking really does help. No one can make you do it, but if you’re in that rut, pushing yourself and fighting the nagging thoughts (mine, not my wife’s) will get you feeling so much better about yourself. That’s the positive stuff, but it’s not all a bed of roses. I’ve had some serious struggles, even making some pretty dark plans about my future. That’s the thing with depression, take your eye of the ball and, as I did, self medicate, and it wi...

I’ll not lie, this isn’t a happy entry. In fact it’s going to be incredibly hard to write, so I imagine it’ll be no picnic to read. I don’t even know where or how to start. From keeping my head above water, I’m now swallowing more than a cleethorpes hen do. There’s more occasions where I’m thinking, oh I can see the light, but that’s only in relation to 90% of the time where I don’t. What’s brought about the change? Well the anti depressants issue will be where people gleefully point and state as the cause, but popping a pill every day is no way to live, and frankly the side effects are probably the real reason why you forget about the mental illness. However, there’s never one root cause, and I’m certainly not getting in to the causes on a blog, but like on other occasions, things pile up, until you find yourself struggling to hold up the walls of your life. I have one thing coming up soon, which will give me a drive, direction and purpose. The direction I take in the future is ve...

No, not the kind of happy ending reserved for the end of a massage on the attercliffe Road, this is the type of happy ending reserved for those that see happiness as something nearly as rare as a Norwich City away win. It’s been a while since I blogged last, and that’s because I’ve almost been living a normal life. To me, the occasional black day is normal, and as much as it infuriates Mrs G, it’s part of who I am now. However, since writing last, 2 things have bugged me. One was a suggestion from my brother in law, and mental health nurse, that I may be suffering from borderline personality disorder. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll try and explain what that is. It may be an easy joke to make about me having 2 personalities, and I admit I play up to that, it’s simply not true. It means that 1 minute I can be happy enough in myself, then the next I can try and destroy that positivity and those relationships that bring me something new to deal with. It’s a pain in short, but goes...

So, I finished my CBT and I'm ready to take on the world. Well when I say take on, I mean shout obscenities at it and then run away. CBT has done wonders for my confidence, one of the 1st things I did was contact a financial advisor. Okay it took 3 times and a change of caller ID for them to get through to me after I tried to wriggle out of my initial enquiry, but you know what? It felt good facing up to the mess that was my bank account. Who knew there wasn't a minus in front of a balance?! I'd taken an almighty leap in to the unknown and it paid off. My therapist had encouraged me to walk a new path and I had. Buoyed by this I attempted other activities that made me more uncomfortable than that time I failed to recognise an ex on my train. I agreed to an interview with my employers staff magazine, talking about my blog and raising mental health awareness. My boss warned me I'll get some p*ss taking, but you know what, we'll be talking about it, so who cares? The...