The light...it burns

So, I finished my CBT and I'm ready to take on the world. Well when I say take on, I mean shout obscenities at it and then run away.
CBT has done wonders for my confidence, one of the 1st things I did was contact a financial advisor. Okay it took 3 times and a change of caller ID for them to get through to me after I tried to wriggle out of my initial enquiry, but you know what? It felt good facing up to the mess that was my bank account. Who knew there wasn't a minus in front of a balance?! I'd taken an almighty leap in to the unknown and it paid off.
My therapist had encouraged me to walk a new path and I had. Buoyed by this I attempted other activities that made me more uncomfortable than that time I failed to recognise an ex on my train. I agreed to an interview with my employers staff magazine, talking about my blog and raising mental health awareness. My boss warned me I'll get some p*ss taking, but you know what, we'll be talking about it, so who cares? The interview is accompanied by photos, and on the morning I met the photographer, I was contemplating legging it soon as half ten arrived, saying he wasn't there on time. However, just as I was planning my escape, Alan (@AlanBarton6) introduced himself. However, rather than curl up in a ball, I found myself talking to him about all things mental health. And people call me dull.
Self esteem isn't my friend though, and despite Alan's best efforts, my brain was screaming at me "THOSE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT YOU. YOU LOOK STUPID, YOU'RE NOT A MODEL". Well you can't win them all, but I'd had numerous photos taken and overcome another hurdle.
My new found confidence can find me questioning myself though. Picking fights with my in laws has had me second guessing myself, they'd upset my wife and I was having none of it. Telling them I don't care if they don't like me, there's a queue to join, behind my own brain. The truth though? No one likes to be hated. Should I have done it?
Ah well, I've got to focus on those positives. The peace in my noggin allowed me to re-propose to Mrs G, and I had the confidence to call the vicar to arrange a blessing, mainly because she wouldn't let me hide behind emails! Curse you social types.
I know there'll be ups and downs, a blood pressure check next week is bound to send my anxiety higher than Liam Gallagher in the nineties, but it's a blip. Just a blip.
Of course it helps that football is back and Norwich are doing well, for now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Window in a box?

 So it seems I've not written one of these for a while so lets catch up. There's been stress coming from exams and mistakes made there by the school, I have completed my dissertation and passed my degree, and I'm still no further along with getting things sorted with work and my neurodiversity. But I've handled it all well... at the time. The reason I decided to add a new blog entry is because, once again, I've dealt with things at the time, carried on, not processed it all properly and it's crashing down around me. I dont want to deal with it. Its like when your phone says memory full, and just stops taking in new information.  Passing a degree is something I should be elated with, and I am proud of myself, but it was like a wall just holding every other emotion back. I quickly became overwhelmed. I've felt isolated, emotionally and physically. The things I enjoy, I have enjoyed, but its not felt right. Something has left me feeling uncomfortable each time....
Read more

Another awareness day

  A lot, and I mean a lot, of people will always tell you how you should behave, what you can do to improve your mental health. Some mean it in a good way, some are self proclaimed experts. Personally, I’m neither. I’m a service user, that gives me experience to help, but not dictate to. I’m also in my final year of a degree in psychology and counselling, but that only gives me the tools to help. I want to make a difference, because a walking text book has often been my experiences of mental health services. However, I’m also a service user with a degree in mental health based things, but I’m also a man who has recurring suicidal thoughts. Thoughts where I almost fantasise about how people would miss me when I’m gone. Some expert eh? This time of year, with mental health awareness days etc (a day? So I don’t have to be aware any other time? We should always be aware) you will hear a lot about the services out there and people who can help. Take it in. You never know when you may ne...
Read more

MHAW 2024

 So it’s that time of year again, mental health awareness week. I had been planning on writing a blog anyway this week, however, events today have left things so raw and I wanted to write about it before I dilute it and dismiss it in a self-deprecating way like usual.  I attended a mental health first aider refresher course, a great way to keep fresh and be able to help others, and also a great way to be off proper work for a day!!! So, I sat down ready to learn and engage. The first couple of hours went well, how to help other etc, and then we talked about suicide. Suddenly all the thoughts and feelings from November / December came rushing back. How I couldn’t cope. How I tried to hide my thoughts and feelings, how I came to within a whisker of not being here anymore.  I suffer from pretty bad suicidal ideation at the “best” of times, but I think while she sleeps sung it best when saying “when it’s good it’s so good, when it’s bad I wanna die”. When you get in to that l...
Read more