Challenge
There's a belief that once you've had your treatment, and you've not had to take time off, that you've beaten depression and you're ok now. Although that's accurate to a degree, every day a new challenge for me to face, and it can be just that, a challenge.
The trouble is, some challenges I don't like to, or want to, face and this leads to disillusionment. I've stood up recently, put my head above the parapet, applied for jobs that really are out of my comfort zone. I was shot down. Twice. I put a brave face on it, but it hurt, my confidence took a hit. You end up thinking what's the point. You then carry this in to your working day. I've become withdrawn. I'm convincing myself that I don't fit in, so I just sit here quietly. I'm spare today and I've barely spoken. It's not because I'm grumpy, or tired, it's because I'm disillusioned and unhappy. However, talk to me and I'll be smiley and jokey. My game face.
Now, during my therapy I was confronted with these thoughts. Where's the evidence? Well, I'm stuck in a rut at work. There's my evidence.
Socially I took a massive step this week. A surprising confidant at work invited me out for a few drinks. I said yes, and he knew I'd try and wriggle out of it, so I was told "no excuses". I was determined to go out. The next day I was still determined. The day came, I woke up, and thought how can I get out of this? I pushed myself really hard and packed some things to get changed in to after work. During my shift I was still looking for a get out clause, but knew the mate would kill me for bottling it.
I stood outside the pub for 10 minutes trying to spy someone I knew, but eventually something clicked and I just walked in. "Bloody hell you're here", cheers mate. However, it gave me a lift, I'd stood up to a challenge.
What's this though? People I don't know. Panic. Hug the pint. I knew them but do they know, or remember me? Hug the pint. Suddenly I'm included in a conversation. Hug the pint and reply. It then becomes clear I'm actually wanted there, the grip on the pint loosens and I let my guard down.
It ended up being a good afternoon, even ended up talking about mental health, and it was at that point that it probably took some effort for others to go out that afternoon, and perhaps I'm the new normal.
So, social anxiety and work low mood. That's my week, things will change, but the challenges remain.
Peace
The trouble is, some challenges I don't like to, or want to, face and this leads to disillusionment. I've stood up recently, put my head above the parapet, applied for jobs that really are out of my comfort zone. I was shot down. Twice. I put a brave face on it, but it hurt, my confidence took a hit. You end up thinking what's the point. You then carry this in to your working day. I've become withdrawn. I'm convincing myself that I don't fit in, so I just sit here quietly. I'm spare today and I've barely spoken. It's not because I'm grumpy, or tired, it's because I'm disillusioned and unhappy. However, talk to me and I'll be smiley and jokey. My game face.
Now, during my therapy I was confronted with these thoughts. Where's the evidence? Well, I'm stuck in a rut at work. There's my evidence.
Socially I took a massive step this week. A surprising confidant at work invited me out for a few drinks. I said yes, and he knew I'd try and wriggle out of it, so I was told "no excuses". I was determined to go out. The next day I was still determined. The day came, I woke up, and thought how can I get out of this? I pushed myself really hard and packed some things to get changed in to after work. During my shift I was still looking for a get out clause, but knew the mate would kill me for bottling it.
I stood outside the pub for 10 minutes trying to spy someone I knew, but eventually something clicked and I just walked in. "Bloody hell you're here", cheers mate. However, it gave me a lift, I'd stood up to a challenge.
What's this though? People I don't know. Panic. Hug the pint. I knew them but do they know, or remember me? Hug the pint. Suddenly I'm included in a conversation. Hug the pint and reply. It then becomes clear I'm actually wanted there, the grip on the pint loosens and I let my guard down.
It ended up being a good afternoon, even ended up talking about mental health, and it was at that point that it probably took some effort for others to go out that afternoon, and perhaps I'm the new normal.
So, social anxiety and work low mood. That's my week, things will change, but the challenges remain.
Peace
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