Happy birthday

Ok, so I tried to make my birthday something to enjoy, I promise. I made plans for a drinks get together and even got the day off work. So what happened?
My head.
It seems that I just won’t let myself be happy. I decided that my birthday was an inconvenience, and something to get annoyed with. I do this at Christmas too, and I fear it’ll be the same when we renew our vows in August. I can’t begin to explain why I get this way, it’s one of the things I just can’t get my head round.
You know the worst thing? I penalise those who care about me and my mental health. Did you make a fuss about my birthday? Well I best throw it in your face because that’s a reasonable way to deal with the attention. I’m sorry, but can I say that in person? What do you think.
I also took a massive step though by organising drinks for my birthday. My confidence is fragile, so to put myself out there, where I can be shot down was a real positive. Until the old noggin steps up to undermine my fragile confidence. “people don’t really want to go, they’re doing it out of pity, or they’re just being nice”. Then the wobble starts, the self doubt resurfaces and you start to look for ways to get out of it. Then snow was predicted. Success! A reason to get out of my own drinks!!! The brain is a funny old beast though, as soon as I’d cancelled it all, I began to feel guilty for doing it!
Thankfully most of my friends realise I’m prone to fits of stupidity, but it doesn’t stop you thinking you’ve alienated yourself again, and the cycle begins again! Aarrgghh.
I’ve come close already to saying “screw it” with our blessing, but I’ve got a wife who keeps me focused with regards to that. Well that and the threat of me being hung by my testicles from the church spire.
It’s not that I don’t like being the centre of attention with birthdays and other occasions, perhaps it’s just I get more attention from being a dick. It justifies me being a dick in the first place. However, there is a positive to come out of all of this. My recognition of this problem. Rewind to Christmas 2016 and I was being an arsehole, without me knowing. Yes it’s progress. The more I realise these issues, the more I can amend my behaviour and learn.
So, if you’re reading this and thinking I’ve been a miserable bastard of late, you’re right! I am most of the time, but apologies for upsetting anyone recently.
See you all in the pub soon. Maybe. Actually I’m washing my hair that day

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