Me, myself and it. My story of depression

  Saturday afternoon, a great time watching my new club, well started watching them in August, Staveley MWFC. A greeting from Pat the manager, a hello from Terry the chairman, and a coffee bought for me by my mate. All was good. Then a switch flicked that evening. I shut down. I cancelled my plans for my birthday, I deleted a load of apps that keep me social, I just didn’t want to associate with the outside world.  What caused it? Fuck knows. I suspect a simple misunderstanding was all it took for the brain to tip over the edge. I often say it’s like juggling for me. I can handle 3 things at once, but throw an extra thing in, no matter how small, and it all comes crashing down.  Just because I’m writing this doesn’t mean everything is good again. It’s not. I don’t want to talk to anybody. It agitates me. Just leave me alone. In the words of Wage War, “don’t keep on telling me that I’m gonna pull through, coz you don’t know low like I do.” I will get there but I want to do...

 Regular readers of this blog will know “Steve”. He’s the name I gave to the irrational / primal part of my brain. He’s the side that quite often influences what I do, as he’s probably tied the rational part up in a basement somewhere.  Anyway, with all that is going on with the world of late, I thought me and Steve could have a chat. Basically it’s an insight in to the thought process of a BPD / ASD person, when things are tough. Kris - go on then, tell me you’ve been waiting for this. Steve- This? I’ve not been waiting, you’ve just been ignoring me! K - yeah coz therapy teaches me to do that S- Oh yeah, “therapy”. You know she’s gonna be pissed off you haven’t been going? You coward! K - she knows the situation with finances and strikes, and why am I a coward? S - looking for excuses not to go! Hang on, did you mention the strikes? Let’s focus on that eh? K - eurgh, well I can’t ignore it. The fact it’s gonna carry on is worrying me. I just want to go to work and come home a...

 Yeah it’s that time of year where every tv channel has a 2022 best of, although channel 4 probably make theirs a naked version, so why shouldn’t I join in, although I will remain clothed, especially in December’s weather. In terms of actual mental health issues, it’s been a quiet year, I’ve had wobbles, most notably in late summer, where I’ve had trouble letting go of things. However, I have also found a wonderful counsellor, first paid for by my employer, which has become ironic given the pressure they’ve put on my mental health of late. I’ve finally found a counsellor who understands me, my quirks and recurring faults, and although industrial action has meant I’ve not been able to see her recently, the brain seems to have understood what we’ve been working at, and I’ve held my shit together, even in the face of… er… issues at work shall we say?! It’s also been 6 years from my big meltdown, and I’m still standing! Of course the summer did bring news of a diagnosis for ASD. Someth...

 As I lay in bed, a single tear drop falls, Throughout this battle I’ve always given my all. The thoughts keep swirling around in my head, I begin to wonder, am I better off dead? People look up to me, my bravery they applaud. I just look back at them, I deem myself a fraud. “We’re here for you” the masses will say. The voices are caring, but don’t keep the thoughts at bay. Others will chastise me, “you’re a liar, sick-note” and more, I’m at the mercy of my mind, I’m it’s bitch and it’s whore. Mental illness I can cope with, autism as well, to a degree, But recent weeks have left the questions unanswered. Is this really me? Perhaps I should retire to a life where the focus is taken away, The fight needs fighting, but nobody needs to hear the words that I say. I’ll finish my studies, I’ve worked so hard to just give up.  However, my race is run for activism, award me the hypocrisy cup! I can’t fight my own battles why would you listen to me? I’ll be okay though, as the tears ro...

 So I’m writing this, my biggest piece to date, after a pretty momentous 2 weeks for my noggin and me. I’ve signed up to become a mental health first aider at work, something I’ve wanted to do for some time, but fitting it around work and uni has been difficult until now. I also had a meeting with my community mental health team who are still confident it’s borderline personality disorder, however, I now need to be checked for autism. It’s never a dull moment with me is it? I’m equally excited and terrified, in equal measure, that I will finally have an official, written down and everything, diagnosis of whatever it will be. I’ve been unwell since 2006, so perhaps there’s light at the end of the tunnel, although what that means with regards to my life going forward, who knows?  Enough about all that though. Sitting on a train coming home from work, I overheard a girl talk to her mate about her autistic colleague, and her language about him was awful. There and then I thought I...

 So I thought I’d write down what was going through my head the other night. Due to be up at 0130, my brain (Steve) and I were deep in discussion. Steve (brain) - can’t sleep eh? Kris (me) - evening Steve S - you know if you can’t sleep you can’t go to work? K - what? S - let’s call in sick. You’re not well after all. K - I’m not? S - no, you’ve got things to worry about. What about people at work who don’t like you? K - (my therapist) said that’s in my head and to ignore those thoughts  S - because they’re true K - no, I have friends at work who understand S - what, coz you write a blog. You’re thinking of writing one now aren’t you? You know people hate them, you attention seeking cunt K - that may be true S - of course it is. Nobody really likes you, they just say they do so you feel better. You’re kids hate you as well. K - eh? S - yeah, they told you. Remember? Probably better off without you. K - I have thought that before. S - no one would miss you. When shall we do it?...

 Let’s start this with an analogy. You have a house, it’s a good house, but then one day you feel low, so you go out and buy a new house. There and then. You walk up to your new house and kick the door down. Why would you do such a stupid thing? Welcome to my world. It was 2017 and my brother in law was talking to me about the Christmas before and how I’d done my best to ruin it and then made a big example of that. He suggested I looked in to borderline personality disorder. Numerous test took place, it’s actually hard to diagnose, and that’s why I have had more mental illness diagnosis’ than I’ve had colds!!! Eventually, yup it’s BPD. “Wow” I thought “what does that mean?” 2022 and I still have no clue! Okay I know I’m prone to reckless behaviour and acting on impulse, but I don’t know why, what the triggers are etc.  So what do I mean by reckless behaviour? Personally, and all BPD sufferers differ with symptoms and actions, I got myself in to a lot of debt, spending money on...