Me, myself and it. My story of depression

 So I thought I’d write down what was going through my head the other night. Due to be up at 0130, my brain (Steve) and I were deep in discussion. Steve (brain) - can’t sleep eh? Kris (me) - evening Steve S - you know if you can’t sleep you can’t go to work? K - what? S - let’s call in sick. You’re not well after all. K - I’m not? S - no, you’ve got things to worry about. What about people at work who don’t like you? K - (my therapist) said that’s in my head and to ignore those thoughts  S - because they’re true K - no, I have friends at work who understand S - what, coz you write a blog. You’re thinking of writing one now aren’t you? You know people hate them, you attention seeking cunt K - that may be true S - of course it is. Nobody really likes you, they just say they do so you feel better. You’re kids hate you as well. K - eh? S - yeah, they told you. Remember? Probably better off without you. K - I have thought that before. S - no one would miss you. When shall we do it?...

 Let’s start this with an analogy. You have a house, it’s a good house, but then one day you feel low, so you go out and buy a new house. There and then. You walk up to your new house and kick the door down. Why would you do such a stupid thing? Welcome to my world. It was 2017 and my brother in law was talking to me about the Christmas before and how I’d done my best to ruin it and then made a big example of that. He suggested I looked in to borderline personality disorder. Numerous test took place, it’s actually hard to diagnose, and that’s why I have had more mental illness diagnosis’ than I’ve had colds!!! Eventually, yup it’s BPD. “Wow” I thought “what does that mean?” 2022 and I still have no clue! Okay I know I’m prone to reckless behaviour and acting on impulse, but I don’t know why, what the triggers are etc.  So what do I mean by reckless behaviour? Personally, and all BPD sufferers differ with symptoms and actions, I got myself in to a lot of debt, spending money on...

 Much of my recovery is often down to belief that I will get out of any slumps, and the confidence that I can maintain an upward trajectory. It’s a fragile confidence. I’ve been back at work for a few months now, and with each passing day I get a little stronger. I post a selfie each week to boost my self esteem. I get a little stronger each day. And then… People often don’t realise what they say can affect how I feel. I love a laugh and even a joke at my expense. However, after a while, my confidence begins to erode because of the jokes. I had to put a lot of effort in to my recovery and especially the thoughts that I am in some way inferior and people have a negative opinion of me. Just the small matter of a recurring joke about my absences begins to wear me down. I begin to think “do they genuinely think I’m a skiver?”. Maybe I am, maybe I should be stronger and not relapse so often.  So that confidence is already shaken, when the confidence in my own ability is undermined ...

You know when you talk to yourself and you think “am I mad?”. Well who knew it’s actually a treatment for mental illness. Okay I’ll put that in to context before you think I truly am mad and start filling in forms. The brain is made up of primarily 2 different parts. The rational and calm side, and then the primitive, act first and ask questions later side. It’s that side of the brain that I have most problems with. A therapist will say it’s derived from fight or flight. A sufferer will tell you it’s the stupid part of the brain that makes you worry about stupid things and won’t let the rational side help out. That side of the brain, for me, is Steve. Now Steve is an attention seeking twat. Quite often the reasons for my high anxiety is because Steve has found something that may or may not happen and pulled at that thread until such point that I’ve become a gibbering wreck and become ill. His input ranges from “why go out? Nobody really likes you, you’re just invited to make up the num...

  It’s 3pm on a wet afternoon in March. You’ve gotta pick the kids up from school in a bit, then look forward to your impending birthday. 40 eh? What a milestone.   Instead, you don’t feel like you’re in any sort of reality. You’re stood on the outside, of your own life, looking in. Watching it unfold like a film. Confused, you fake a headache just to go to bed and escape from this “film”.  Laid there, at 4pm, the weather is no longer noticeable, the thoughts rush in your brain, and then it hits you. Why bother anymore? You don’t want to celebrate anything, you have nothing to celebrate. Your life has gone nowhere. Would the family even notice if you’d disappear? Nope. The wife does everything anyway. Yeah they’d mourn you briefly but easily move on.  Cue bursting in to tears. The overwhelming emotion you just can’t control. The brain is giving up on you as well now. You cry for half an hour solid. You don’t know what to do next. You curl up in a ball, close your eye...

 So, the last blog I wrote was just after I had been signed off work owing to more of those mental illness battles I was losing. We’ve been over that, and I don’t need to do that again, I felt suicidal and incredibly low, but I’m not far away from returning to work now after some stern, yet rewarding, therapy (just waiting for someone to learn how to use a phone at occy health) and life, although not perfect, is certainly much easier. Why this blog entry then? Well, there’s an issue I have. It’s called borderline personality disorder. It’s mostly a pain in the arse, but manageable. However, sometimes it just loves to deceive me and make me miss it slipping through the net. This time the obsessive side came through. I’m sure ex girlfriends will tell you I’ve never been obsessive, it was a shock to me to discover this can be a symptom 😉 Unfortunately, as a “jock”, I have the unfortunate pleasure of supporting Scotland at international tournaments. Normally it’s a good bit of banter,...

 Well, where do you start after over 2 months of wanting to disappear off the planet. There I guess! Yup, it’s been a very tricky time for me of late, and I’m not going blow by blow, because frankly I can’t put it into words or feel comfortable doing it. However, with mental health awareness week just around the corner, I did need to write something that normalises what mental illness can come to mean. As usual I’d been putting too much pressure on myself, and although I’d loved everything I was doing for mental health awareness, it’s that passion of mine that keeps me going, but following on from a very successful online forum, I crashed. Not in a dignified way either. I will always remember it, and until she reads this, I’d never told my wife, but it was March 1st, the day before my 40th birthday and I couldn’t face things anymore. I told my family that I had a headache and went to bed. I got in to bed and I cried. Not just a tear rolling down my cheek like I’ve experienced many ...