Me, myself and it. My story of depression

Been a while since my last blog, mainly coz I’ve been in such a good place. I’ve kept a firm hand on my BPD, and amid lockdown I’ve been supporting others because I’ve not had to worry about myself. I even reconciled with an old friend. Finding that strength, I had been putting myself out there again, and last Monday I had an interview for another job. Something out of my comfort zone, but equally something I believe I could do with my eyes closed. I believe I came across as happy, relaxed and experienced, and finished the interview having made the interviewers laugh. Brilliant, I thought.  However, this is where BPD will inevitably kick in. After talking to my wife and explaining how well I thought I’d done, the thoughts began creeping into my head. “That was too quick, and too easy. You’ve fucked it up. Best accept you’ll be stuck doing this same shit for a while yet”. I would tell myself it doesn’t really matter, I’ve still got a well paid job no matter what. “Yeah but you wante...

Yesterday I posted on Twitter how I’d been battling my social anxiety, successfully, over the last few months, but as is often the case, the rug is soon pulled from under me, with the UK lockdown, the main way of combatting the virus is social distancing.  No meeting up with people. The way my mind works, like many others, is when something is taken away from you, you naturally want it more. My little bubble has been popped. Struggling a bit? I’ll just pop to the shop. Oh. Well at least I’ve got the pub quiz to look forward to. Ah! My own company isn’t the best when I can get out and about. You want me to spend 12 weeks with it? Well at least work is offering me some routine. Come in but sit around for 6 hours in case you’re needed. However, there’s no one else to talk to so my own company is needed again. I’ve lost any connection with life outside of work. We all have. I’m lucky enough to have my family at home, but you’re so lonely in your head. Primarily, I need routine. Con...

“So, whats it like, you know, being how you are?”. This is a genuine question someone asked me a few weeks ago, and I’m assuming it wasn’t in reference to my jet set lifestyle and boyish good looks. I didn’t take offence though, in fact why not ask what it’s like living with a mental illness? How do you go about answering that question though? I guess you start at the beginning. What is actually wrong with the noggin. Well, in 13 years I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, low mood, clinical depression and hyper mania (bi polar), but we seem to have settled for borderline personality disorder. Not as scary as it sounds, BPD basically means that when my life is settled, my brain decides to create disharmony. I will unwittingly pick fights and become a disruptive voice. It’s led to a number of instances of me falling out with people, including the infamous “Christmas jumper-gate” incident. I create my own bubble where I can never be truly happy. Sounds worse than it is. You have to make you...

For this blog entry, I thought I’d try something different. After my last one shocked a few people, despite it never being my intention, I thought I’d try an interview, with me. So, what’s it like living with mental illness? I guess it’s something I’ve just learned to live with. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2006, and the novelty quickly wore off. It’s now part of me whether I like it or not. You wake up and you don’t know what a ‘normal’ person feels like when they wake up. The thoughts don’t go away, they just become manageable. What are the worst things you deal with? Hey, you’ve read the blog, the suicidal thoughts are the worst by far. Even when you’re having them, you know they’re wrong, or at least I do. I guess you could call me lucky like that. However, being alone with those thoughts is the scariest place I can imagine, because the thoughts make so much sense when you’re that low. Aside from that, I think the paranoia is bad. I become closed off ...

I purposely gave this blog no title as I don’t know how I’d introduce it. PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE UPSET BY IT’S CONTENT. This is me, my life, my struggle and my past month... I’ve been ill before, More times than a few, It’s made life terrible for me and worse for you. I don’t know where to turn now, It’s the worst I’ve ever been, The illness that I’ve hidden, the one you’ve never seen. Before I was staying here, Just for the boys, But now I feel as disposable as their well used toys. I never wanted to leave the earth, I felt I had so much to give, But with every argument bringing me down, What do I have to achieve, Why should I live. Yeah I thought before about stopping this hell, Because it makes me so unwell, But before I had strength. As the days tick by and I don’t see why, I’m not living I’m already past tense. Today I felt better, the will to succeed, I woke up fighting, the sense of “I believe”. But the mood soon changed, Indecisi...

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog entry, and throughout that time I've contemplated writing plenty but not been able to find the words. I guess this is pretty much the story of my life. Wanting to talk but not knowing how to, or being scared of the outcome. Finding the words is half the battle when you don't even understand your feelings, how do you explain the loneliness and emptiness to others when you don't even want to contemplate those thoughts yourself. Just before Christmas this year I began to have thoughts that weren't entirely to my liking. I put it down to the usual feelings I get around that time. They'll pass. Christmas came around, the thoughts were getting worse. The nagging thought that something isn't right. I was deeply unhappy. It was only Christmas day afternoon that I found myself at peace. As a family we were all enjoying time together. The 27th I was back at work, this will help, I thought, the job keeps me busy and focus...

Like all films, the sequel is normally awful and you wish it'd never happened. Well this week appears to be Anxiety 2, the bitch is back. I wish I knew what causes these blips, especially this week. I was annual leave, I have nothing to worry about, life is good. Except it's not. Out of the blue, I started shaking. I put it down to sitting awkwardly, well a 37 year old sat cross legged playing on his PS4 can lead to weird things like that. However, it steadily got worse. I told myself to get a grip, yeah that old chestnut. "You're fine Gunns, settle down". That seemingly worked as well as my shouting to Alex Tettey to shoot from 30 yards out at the foorball. It went stratospheric. I can only describe anxiety as like drinking 15 cans of energy drink and then being extremely nervous at the outcome. Serious butterflies with the shakes. That night I sat eating tea with the family, and my hand was shaking uncontrollably, and I really felt I couldn't cope with it...