Bouncebackability

Been a while since my last blog, mainly coz I’ve been in such a good place. I’ve kept a firm hand on my BPD, and amid lockdown I’ve been supporting others because I’ve not had to worry about myself.
I even reconciled with an old friend.
Finding that strength, I had been putting myself out there again, and last Monday I had an interview for another job. Something out of my comfort zone, but equally something I believe I could do with my eyes closed. I believe I came across as happy, relaxed and experienced, and finished the interview having made the interviewers laugh. Brilliant, I thought. 
However, this is where BPD will inevitably kick in. After talking to my wife and explaining how well I thought I’d done, the thoughts began creeping into my head. “That was too quick, and too easy. You’ve fucked it up. Best accept you’ll be stuck doing this same shit for a while yet”. I would tell myself it doesn’t really matter, I’ve still got a well paid job no matter what. “Yeah but you wanted that job didn’t you? Might as well give up. No one thinks of you as highly as you think of yourself”.
That’s the crux of a mental illness, when you’re feeling deflated, it will try and manifest itself, reaffirm any nagging doubts you have and believe that you’re not good enough. I posted this on twitter;
“Fed up of telling myself that I could do jobs with my eyes shut, but getting overlooked. Every role I’ve ever had, even voluntarily, I’ve been praised and someone’s asked to stay, but not getting the chance to prove this anymore“
Do I believe that? I want to say no, dearly I do, but my confidence is never where I want it to be. I still think they’ll make a mistake if they don’t employ me, but as the days go by with hearing nothing, Barry, as I named by BPD, begins to get his way with thoughts. Even to the point, albeit very briefly, that I thought if I don’t get this job, what’s the point of carrying on. Thankfully I have been feeling strong, but that thought did shake me a little. It’s not rational but I have learned to recognise that some of my thoughts aren’t.
I guess that’s the point I’m trying to make here, you are stronger than your worst thoughts. The negative has vastly outweighed the positive with regard to this job, convincing myself that I’ve not got it, but life does go on. Take each day as it comes, I’ve got a good support network, even if they don’t realise that, and my family will always be there for me to come back to.
Yesterday I watched my beloved Norwich get thumped, but my outlook on football has changed since this pandemic arrived. Where as Norwich defeats would leave me deflated, it’s not the end of the world is it? Now all I have to do is tell the noggin the same thing when I receive a setback in life.
Keep talking 
Peace  

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