I purposely gave this blog no title as I don’t know how I’d introduce it.
PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE UPSET BY IT’S CONTENT.
This is me, my life, my struggle and my past month...
I’ve been ill before,
More times than a few,
It’s made life terrible for me and worse for you.
I don’t know where to turn now,
It’s the worst I’ve ever been,
The illness that I’ve hidden, the one you’ve never seen.
Before I was staying here,
Just for the boys,
But now I feel as disposable as their well used toys.
I never wanted to leave the earth,
I felt I had so much to give,
But with every argument bringing me down,
What do I have to achieve,
Why should I live.
Yeah I thought before about stopping this hell,
Because it makes me so unwell,
But before I had strength.
As the days tick by and I don’t see why,
I’m not living I’m already past tense.
Today I felt better, the will to succeed,
I woke up fighting, the sense of “I believe”.
But the mood soon changed,
Indecisiveness, frustration, contempt and anger,
The feelings of hate, I want nothing on offer, no emotional manager.
What do I want? Nothing? But I don’t want that too,
Maybe I’m content in a deep depression, to be another statistic,
Another “who?”.
What’s the point of a future where I see no future for me,
What’s the point of support, when things are always I,
Instead of we.
Ending my life is deemed by some as a sin,
But the pain in my heart, my emotions are deep within,
Perhaps the only way out is to alleviate the pain,
And let those that I love, love once again.
Fed up again, sick of life, sick of answering to everyday living,
The chores, the questions, the “we must dos”, I’m just tired of giving.
So I’m a cunt, do I care, so I don’t do what I should, conform to the norm,
Sometimes I can’t take any more, I don’t want to try, I’d tell you what I truly think, but the words don’t form.
There’s 2 things I can do, one is to continue, keep trending a well worn path,
A life well travelled, where I’m constantly unhappy and rarely laugh.
The other more drastic, but it’s a means to an end, and it is just that,
It’d hurt people in the short term, but after a while I’d be forgotten, no more of an afterthought, perhaps a letter on a mat.
Is that truly what I want? Well what I want is to live not just exist, but that never happens anymore,
It’s more a case of how I stop this torment and make sure when it’s settled I can have no flaws.
One more day and I’ll see how things lie, one more day and I’ll see if I continue to metaphorically die.
Today the pain is mental and increasingly physical. Can I just be alone, instead of painting a different picture, chatting to my phone.
A holiday is great if you’re escaping from your life, your troubles, your daily grind,
Perhaps it is seen as the perfect chance to unwind.
For me it’s the anxiety, anti climax and red tape,
That means a holiday is nothing like an escape.
I’m selfish and moody, I’m hurting inside and scared,
The stress of a holiday, is too much for me to bear.
What would I do, whilst my family were lapping up the sun by the shore,
The general consensus would be I would just be playing on the PS4.
The truth however, isn’t as simple or contrived,
I can guarantee you this, I’d be sat empty and just cry.
Please leave me be, enjoy the sun and the rest, leaving me here is probably for the best.
I can’t shake the feeling of zero self worth, I can’t shake the feeling all I am causing is hurt.
What good is a family when one can’t care, would you really mind if I wasn’t there?
I used to take pride in being what the hell I wanted to be, now I’m ashamed when I look in a mirror and see me.
I don’t want anything anymore, I honestly don’t know what there is to gain. I wake up every day, mentally in pain.
All I hear is, “you’re not alone”, when all I feel is isolation, I tell everyone I’m fine, when only their support acts as a mild sedation.
Hate is such a powerful word when you’re not powerful enough to use it, but right now I hate being me, I just don’t know how to change shit.
PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE UPSET BY IT’S CONTENT.
This is me, my life, my struggle and my past month...
I’ve been ill before,
More times than a few,
It’s made life terrible for me and worse for you.
I don’t know where to turn now,
It’s the worst I’ve ever been,
The illness that I’ve hidden, the one you’ve never seen.
Before I was staying here,
Just for the boys,
But now I feel as disposable as their well used toys.
I never wanted to leave the earth,
I felt I had so much to give,
But with every argument bringing me down,
What do I have to achieve,
Why should I live.
Yeah I thought before about stopping this hell,
Because it makes me so unwell,
But before I had strength.
As the days tick by and I don’t see why,
I’m not living I’m already past tense.
Today I felt better, the will to succeed,
I woke up fighting, the sense of “I believe”.
But the mood soon changed,
Indecisiveness, frustration, contempt and anger,
The feelings of hate, I want nothing on offer, no emotional manager.
What do I want? Nothing? But I don’t want that too,
Maybe I’m content in a deep depression, to be another statistic,
Another “who?”.
What’s the point of a future where I see no future for me,
What’s the point of support, when things are always I,
Instead of we.
Ending my life is deemed by some as a sin,
But the pain in my heart, my emotions are deep within,
Perhaps the only way out is to alleviate the pain,
And let those that I love, love once again.
Fed up again, sick of life, sick of answering to everyday living,
The chores, the questions, the “we must dos”, I’m just tired of giving.
So I’m a cunt, do I care, so I don’t do what I should, conform to the norm,
Sometimes I can’t take any more, I don’t want to try, I’d tell you what I truly think, but the words don’t form.
There’s 2 things I can do, one is to continue, keep trending a well worn path,
A life well travelled, where I’m constantly unhappy and rarely laugh.
The other more drastic, but it’s a means to an end, and it is just that,
It’d hurt people in the short term, but after a while I’d be forgotten, no more of an afterthought, perhaps a letter on a mat.
Is that truly what I want? Well what I want is to live not just exist, but that never happens anymore,
It’s more a case of how I stop this torment and make sure when it’s settled I can have no flaws.
One more day and I’ll see how things lie, one more day and I’ll see if I continue to metaphorically die.
Today the pain is mental and increasingly physical. Can I just be alone, instead of painting a different picture, chatting to my phone.
A holiday is great if you’re escaping from your life, your troubles, your daily grind,
Perhaps it is seen as the perfect chance to unwind.
For me it’s the anxiety, anti climax and red tape,
That means a holiday is nothing like an escape.
I’m selfish and moody, I’m hurting inside and scared,
The stress of a holiday, is too much for me to bear.
What would I do, whilst my family were lapping up the sun by the shore,
The general consensus would be I would just be playing on the PS4.
The truth however, isn’t as simple or contrived,
I can guarantee you this, I’d be sat empty and just cry.
Please leave me be, enjoy the sun and the rest, leaving me here is probably for the best.
I can’t shake the feeling of zero self worth, I can’t shake the feeling all I am causing is hurt.
What good is a family when one can’t care, would you really mind if I wasn’t there?
I used to take pride in being what the hell I wanted to be, now I’m ashamed when I look in a mirror and see me.
I don’t want anything anymore, I honestly don’t know what there is to gain. I wake up every day, mentally in pain.
All I hear is, “you’re not alone”, when all I feel is isolation, I tell everyone I’m fine, when only their support acts as a mild sedation.
Hate is such a powerful word when you’re not powerful enough to use it, but right now I hate being me, I just don’t know how to change shit.
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