So, whats it like?
“So, whats it like, you know, being how you are?”. This is a genuine question someone asked me a few weeks ago, and I’m assuming it wasn’t in reference to my jet set lifestyle and boyish good looks. I didn’t take offence though, in fact why not ask what it’s like living with a mental illness? How do you go about answering that question though?
I guess you start at the beginning. What is actually wrong with the noggin. Well, in 13 years I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, low mood, clinical depression and hyper mania (bi polar), but we seem to have settled for borderline personality disorder. Not as scary as it sounds, BPD basically means that when my life is settled, my brain decides to create disharmony. I will unwittingly pick fights and become a disruptive voice. It’s led to a number of instances of me falling out with people, including the infamous “Christmas jumper-gate” incident. I create my own bubble where I can never be truly happy. Sounds worse than it is. You have to make your peace with it or it will destroy you.
So, how does all this affect my everyday life? Well, unless you have the misfortune to be in close quarters with me everyday, it’s very rare you’ll see me in all my destructive power, but my god can it destroy relationships if given a chance. I have extended family who feel they can’t deal with me anymore, I’ve had people take advantage of my illness, naivety and low self esteem, for their own gains, and I’ve had times where, for no reason, I’ve considered chucking things in which bring me great pleasure. Conversely, I’ve been able to make decisions to counteract those thoughts. Every day I’m learning techniques to control those thoughts.
I don’t remember what it’s like to wake up and feel “normal”, but that’s my life now. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing. As I’ve grown older, I’ve evolved so that my mental illness doesn’t have such a controlling influence on the decisions I make. I’m not perfect, no one is, and like everyone else, sometimes I get emotional, and it’s in those moments that I can catastrophise. By far and away that is my biggest flaw, my biggest challenge if you will, but through being open and honest, it makes it easier for those close to me to understand.
Some years ago, my doctor considered me as bi polar, a consequence of my rapid changes in mood, self destructive tendencies and my social habits. Classed as hyper-manic, I experienced the highs and lows associated with bi polar, however, question marks were raised over my treatment, and I was alerted to a possible misdiagnosis. This was my first introduction to borderline personality disorder. To make myself happy, I would buy things I didn’t need, a symptom of hyper mania, but the way I did it, the whole F you attitude, alluded to something else. Linked together with my repetitive bouts of depression, and lashing out at myself and those I loved, was more an indication of BPD.
I’ll still tell people that I suffer from mental illness or depression, because despite the great strides we’re making with diminishing the stigma, the words Borderline Personality Disorder, panic people, giving them the impression I’m schizophrenic. This is the first time I’ve talked openly about BPD, primarily to make others aware it’s no more sinister than if I talked to you about anxiety or depression. It’s not an excuse to be a dick, as convenient as that may be in my line of work, but hopefully, if you’re reading this and thinking, “well Kris has been a twat about XYZ lately”, it may go some way to explaining it. Unless it’s Brexir, then I’m just a twat!
Peace x
I guess you start at the beginning. What is actually wrong with the noggin. Well, in 13 years I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, low mood, clinical depression and hyper mania (bi polar), but we seem to have settled for borderline personality disorder. Not as scary as it sounds, BPD basically means that when my life is settled, my brain decides to create disharmony. I will unwittingly pick fights and become a disruptive voice. It’s led to a number of instances of me falling out with people, including the infamous “Christmas jumper-gate” incident. I create my own bubble where I can never be truly happy. Sounds worse than it is. You have to make your peace with it or it will destroy you.
So, how does all this affect my everyday life? Well, unless you have the misfortune to be in close quarters with me everyday, it’s very rare you’ll see me in all my destructive power, but my god can it destroy relationships if given a chance. I have extended family who feel they can’t deal with me anymore, I’ve had people take advantage of my illness, naivety and low self esteem, for their own gains, and I’ve had times where, for no reason, I’ve considered chucking things in which bring me great pleasure. Conversely, I’ve been able to make decisions to counteract those thoughts. Every day I’m learning techniques to control those thoughts.
I don’t remember what it’s like to wake up and feel “normal”, but that’s my life now. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing. As I’ve grown older, I’ve evolved so that my mental illness doesn’t have such a controlling influence on the decisions I make. I’m not perfect, no one is, and like everyone else, sometimes I get emotional, and it’s in those moments that I can catastrophise. By far and away that is my biggest flaw, my biggest challenge if you will, but through being open and honest, it makes it easier for those close to me to understand.
Some years ago, my doctor considered me as bi polar, a consequence of my rapid changes in mood, self destructive tendencies and my social habits. Classed as hyper-manic, I experienced the highs and lows associated with bi polar, however, question marks were raised over my treatment, and I was alerted to a possible misdiagnosis. This was my first introduction to borderline personality disorder. To make myself happy, I would buy things I didn’t need, a symptom of hyper mania, but the way I did it, the whole F you attitude, alluded to something else. Linked together with my repetitive bouts of depression, and lashing out at myself and those I loved, was more an indication of BPD.
I’ll still tell people that I suffer from mental illness or depression, because despite the great strides we’re making with diminishing the stigma, the words Borderline Personality Disorder, panic people, giving them the impression I’m schizophrenic. This is the first time I’ve talked openly about BPD, primarily to make others aware it’s no more sinister than if I talked to you about anxiety or depression. It’s not an excuse to be a dick, as convenient as that may be in my line of work, but hopefully, if you’re reading this and thinking, “well Kris has been a twat about XYZ lately”, it may go some way to explaining it. Unless it’s Brexir, then I’m just a twat!
Peace x
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