Isolation, virus, anxiety
Yesterday I posted on Twitter how I’d been battling my social anxiety, successfully, over the last few months, but as is often the case, the rug is soon pulled from under me, with the UK lockdown, the main way of combatting the virus is social distancing. No meeting up with people.
The way my mind works, like many others, is when something is taken away from you, you naturally want it more. My little bubble has been popped. Struggling a bit? I’ll just pop to the shop. Oh. Well at least I’ve got the pub quiz to look forward to. Ah! My own company isn’t the best when I can get out and about. You want me to spend 12 weeks with it? Well at least work is offering me some routine. Come in but sit around for 6 hours in case you’re needed. However, there’s no one else to talk to so my own company is needed again.
I’ve lost any connection with life outside of work. We all have. I’m lucky enough to have my family at home, but you’re so lonely in your head. Primarily, I need routine. Control in my life keeps me on an even keel. Right now? Everything is out of anybody’s control. It’s playing havoc with the balance in my head, but I’m trying to keep that routine. Last week I had a shift that booked on at 0442, my first train worked would be 0708. Many colleagues would call up to see if they could come in later, but to me, 0442-1220 was my booked hours and I wanted to keep in that routine. This week, with an emergency timetable and emergency roster, all that routine has gone. I’m lucky I still have a job to come in for, that’s what I constantly tell myself, but it’s not a normal life. My normal life.
I have been truly touched by the messages from people asking if I’m doing ok. At the minute, I’m getting by. I’m missing my friends, my routine and my family in Norwich, but like everybody, I’m getting through it. I had 2 events lined up that are no longer happening. Both will be rescheduled, but already one of which I can’t attend the new date of. This was crushing. It felt like despite everything, all the good work I put in to live a “normal” life, I wasn’t getting any reward. I then look at my wife and children and tell myself, that just by being here, fighting the darkness that can envelop, that’s my reward. There’s the crux of it all. We’re all living in an insane world at the minute, but we do have each other, and that’s remarkably cliche, but you are never alone in this world. Crazy or not.
I’m going to finish this blog post with something that I think sums up everybody at this moment in time. A good friend of mine, Caroline ( @carolinejosephs) tweeted “ Because I’ve lived alone for a long time, I’m comfortable with my own company but the thing that is getting to me is the lack of physical contact. I’m a bit of a hugger and not being able to is messing with my head a bit. I know I’m the grand scheme of things. It’s something that needs to be avoided and it’s not going to be forever. I think it’s just that now I’m realising how important a simply hug is.”
Peace
The way my mind works, like many others, is when something is taken away from you, you naturally want it more. My little bubble has been popped. Struggling a bit? I’ll just pop to the shop. Oh. Well at least I’ve got the pub quiz to look forward to. Ah! My own company isn’t the best when I can get out and about. You want me to spend 12 weeks with it? Well at least work is offering me some routine. Come in but sit around for 6 hours in case you’re needed. However, there’s no one else to talk to so my own company is needed again.
I’ve lost any connection with life outside of work. We all have. I’m lucky enough to have my family at home, but you’re so lonely in your head. Primarily, I need routine. Control in my life keeps me on an even keel. Right now? Everything is out of anybody’s control. It’s playing havoc with the balance in my head, but I’m trying to keep that routine. Last week I had a shift that booked on at 0442, my first train worked would be 0708. Many colleagues would call up to see if they could come in later, but to me, 0442-1220 was my booked hours and I wanted to keep in that routine. This week, with an emergency timetable and emergency roster, all that routine has gone. I’m lucky I still have a job to come in for, that’s what I constantly tell myself, but it’s not a normal life. My normal life.
I have been truly touched by the messages from people asking if I’m doing ok. At the minute, I’m getting by. I’m missing my friends, my routine and my family in Norwich, but like everybody, I’m getting through it. I had 2 events lined up that are no longer happening. Both will be rescheduled, but already one of which I can’t attend the new date of. This was crushing. It felt like despite everything, all the good work I put in to live a “normal” life, I wasn’t getting any reward. I then look at my wife and children and tell myself, that just by being here, fighting the darkness that can envelop, that’s my reward. There’s the crux of it all. We’re all living in an insane world at the minute, but we do have each other, and that’s remarkably cliche, but you are never alone in this world. Crazy or not.
I’m going to finish this blog post with something that I think sums up everybody at this moment in time. A good friend of mine, Caroline ( @carolinejosephs) tweeted “ Because I’ve lived alone for a long time, I’m comfortable with my own company but the thing that is getting to me is the lack of physical contact. I’m a bit of a hugger and not being able to is messing with my head a bit. I know I’m the grand scheme of things. It’s something that needs to be avoided and it’s not going to be forever. I think it’s just that now I’m realising how important a simply hug is.”
Peace
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