Interview with a disturbed individual!
For this blog entry, I thought I’d try something different. After my last one shocked a few people, despite it never being my intention, I thought I’d try an interview, with me.
So, what’s it like living with mental illness?
I guess it’s something I’ve just learned to live with. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2006, and the novelty quickly wore off. It’s now part of me whether I like it or not. You wake up and you don’t know what a ‘normal’ person feels like when they wake up. The thoughts don’t go away, they just become manageable.
What are the worst things you deal with?
Hey, you’ve read the blog, the suicidal thoughts are the worst by far. Even when you’re having them, you know they’re wrong, or at least I do. I guess you could call me lucky like that. However, being alone with those thoughts is the scariest place I can imagine, because the thoughts make so much sense when you’re that low.
Aside from that, I think the paranoia is bad. I become closed off from people because I don’t want to drag them down or bore them. In my head I perceive myself as always whining about something, and what do people at work really think of me? What’s said behind closed doors.
How do you cope with that?
I surround myself with people I can trust and only open up properly to 3 or 4 close friends. Even then I worry that they get fed up of hearing about my struggles.
What struggles have you faced with your illness?
On a personal level I am very destructive, there’s still a question mark over whether I suffer from borderline personality disorder, and it makes living with me very difficult for everyone. I also become very closed off when low and that just adds to the issues it creates with my family.
Professionally, I do face an ongoing battle at work. Obviously this is a public posting , so as such I can’t go in to detail, but the support from my management is the least I should expect, but despite my openness, there’s still a reluctance to appreciate mental illness will reoccur and beating people with a stick over it, is very counter productive.
When did you first feel able to share the condition with other people?
Thankfully, perhaps that’s not the right word, my dad has struggled with his mental health, so my immediate family were always great with it. I didn’t start campaigning avidly for mental health awareness until 2012 though, some 6 years after my first diagnosis. I guess I was still ashamed that it kept coming back. The support network I had wasn’t really there at the time, I had friends who clammed up when I mentioned it. Weirdly, after my 3rd bad episode, people began to listen to what I was saying and I began to open up more.
Admittedly I keep most things quiet even now, but it’s all about knowing who you can trust.
Has any idiot said “pull yourself together and snap out of it”?
I’ve heard people have had that view about me, but as is often the case, they won’t mention that to me. The closest I’ve had is ignorance about my illness, which has affected my family, and that’s something that needs to be worked on. Commenting that they can’t be in the same room or talk to me is upsetting but the more I talk, the more we all do, the less this should happen hopefully.
Have you been asked “what have you got to be depressed about?”
I think that’s the go to for some people who don’t really understand your problems. That’s not their fault, they think it’ll help by making you think positively. However, quite often I don’t know what makes me depressed or anxious. That’s how it is. If I knew, it wouldn’t happen!
We all have triggers, but even a psychotherapist can have trouble getting to the bottom of mine!!!
Have you been lucky or unlucky with the people you’ve shared your story with?
I think I’m blessed that I’ve been lucky with how people have reacted to this blog especially. I think something like 10,000 people read my first ever blog entry, and I’ve never received abuse because of it.
Initially I’ve had people question whether I was as bad as I made out. Going sick isn’t something I enjoy, weeks of sitting about confronting your demons, and fighting back, is very hard.
As I mentioned earlier I’ve had instances with extended family not understanding my position on things, almost refusing to understand because it scares them. With those who have negative views, I have to be open, and almost shock them. If they still don’t like it, you have to just move on.
I have to say though, following my blog about suicidal thoughts, the support was overwhelming, and I would love to thank them all.
Do you think it can be cured?
I don’t think mental illness will ever be cured, if there was a cure, no one would suffer. However, it can be managed to the point it feels like a cure. The problem I have is I take my eye off the ball too much. I end up going round in circles, but if you have treatment, and you stick to it, there’s no reason you can’t go back to living a good life.
I’d love to try electro-convulsion therapy, or whatever it’s called, I’ve heard that can almost spark your brain back to normal settings, but whether that is the case, tests are inconclusive.
You were really honest about your suicidal thoughts in a previous blog - and a feeling that you wouldn’t be missed - can you explain what makes you feel like that when you have a wife, lovely children, etc?? Can you even explain or is it just some “illogical” feeling??
I guess it comes from the deep sense of no self worth. From 2007 it was identified I have a very low opinion of myself. My self esteem is incredibly low. I should look at it that I have a stunning wife and 3 gorgeous kids, but I end up looking at it that I’m punching above my weight and they could all do better.
Living with me is certainly no picnic and I still believe they deserve better. When you combine that with when I’m in a very dark place, my brain starts telling me they’ll move on, grateful that they are finally free of my issues.
So, yeah I guess it’s an “illogical” feeling. At no point have my family inferred that they will leave if it gets too much. It’s just the low self esteem amplifies those thoughts when staring in to darkness.
What do you do if you have a problem and everyone else has absolutely no idea? That is an massive obstacle to overcome?
Initially I thought hiding it was a great idea. It comes down to peoples perceptions and that paranoia that no one really wants to know. I once wrote down how I was struggling to cope, and it wasn’t great to read, and my wife found it. It shocked her. I still find it difficult to open up now. If I didn’t I don’t think I’d get myself in the spirals that I do. I think it all comes down to trusting someone enough to pluck up the courage to say “I’m not ok”. My blog is a pretty good way of doing it, it’s personal without having to physically talk to people. I don’t want to answer, “suicidal mate, can’t see a way to end this hurt” when someone asks how I am to my face. However, I can put it on the internet and share it on twitter no problem! It’s finding your way of sharing how you feel that matters most.
What’s the biggest change you’d make to treatment?
I’m already trying to affect that myself by studying for a degree in psychology and counselling. Of the numerous treatments I’ve had over the years, only one that’s been funded by the NHS was any good. That’s not to say the NHS is awful, it’s just woefully underfunded, and from my own experience, too many therapists are learning from textbooks. It’s no coincidence that the one course of therapy I’ve had that was of benefit to me, was with a woman who’d battled with mental illness herself. I’m all for people training to join the mental health profession, but the ones that can help the most are the ones that have lived it.
I have friends who’ve been let down by the system, sharing their problems with me because I’ve been, or am going, through it.
I was lucky enough that in 2014 my employer afforded me the luxury of hypnotherapy. At no point am I aware that I was a chicken walking around York city centre, it was more a case of my therapist placing positive thoughts in to my mind. However, at £100 an hour, it’s a luxury many can’t have, or continue to have. It’s my ambition to qualify and offer affordable therapy to anyone who needs it in the future.
People who use social media most often, tend to have higher rates of depression, according to new research. What do you think?
Personally, my use of social media enables me to express myself and be more open about my mental illness. However, there are an element who will use social media to look for fights and “troll”, I think it’s just a case of knowing when that is happening and to walk away. Twitter is a very dissociative experience for me. Very few of my followers are actual friends of mine. However, those users I don’t know, yet communicate with, are good people to talk to. Yes I’ve had my share of people looking for arguments, but it really is about who you surround yourself with, both on line and in ‘reality’.
Facebook has been my biggest issue, where you physically know people, and everyone is seemingly in competition to impress. On more than one occasion I’ve had to deactivate my Facebook account, in fact once going as far as deleting my entire account. It can be very intense and I need a a break from that from time to time.
Social media can be a great tool, and support network, if used correctly in my opinion.
Do you think mental illness is something we all suffer from, just that the gaps in-between “episodes” vary so much, many people don’t know that they’ve been ill?
Certainly. It’s widely regarded that we all suffer from high levels of anxiety, it’s just that some people deal with it better than others. In men especially, there’s the misconception that you can’t be mentally ill. I know of colleagues who’ve carried on as a “hard man” because it’s how they’ve been perceived over the years, despite going through harrowing things.
A friend of mine recently let their mask slip briefly when asking about mental illness, and I told them that being seen as strong isn’t as rewarding as being told you’re strong for confiding that you’re struggling.
This is why talking is so pivotal, so we can all recognise and help each other.
Does your wife find it difficult to deal with your low periods?
No I’m pretty sure I’m a delight to be around! In all seriousness it’s very tough on her. It had a devastating affect on our marriage once too. However, she’s stood by me throughout, which I know is difficult when, in her own words, I’m like a 4th child.
I’m certain it’s horrible reading sometimes that I want to hurt myself, and although I can trust her 100% , how do you tell the woman you love that you feel like you can’t go on? That’s probably the most frustrating thing for her is when I’m low or irritable and she knows I need help but I’m not talking. On our recent holiday I refused to get in the pool, not because I wanted to be a misery, but because I don’t like showing my body off, and if you’re in a pool you’re central to everything and everyone around you. She knew it was getting me down but I couldn’t express that and I could sense her frustration.
I think the vow, “for better or worse” is over used in our marriage. Oh he’s better, oh he’s worse.
Finally, what size are your tits?
You see, this is what happens when you let people on twitter ask you questions. 36C
So, what’s it like living with mental illness?
I guess it’s something I’ve just learned to live with. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2006, and the novelty quickly wore off. It’s now part of me whether I like it or not. You wake up and you don’t know what a ‘normal’ person feels like when they wake up. The thoughts don’t go away, they just become manageable.
What are the worst things you deal with?
Hey, you’ve read the blog, the suicidal thoughts are the worst by far. Even when you’re having them, you know they’re wrong, or at least I do. I guess you could call me lucky like that. However, being alone with those thoughts is the scariest place I can imagine, because the thoughts make so much sense when you’re that low.
Aside from that, I think the paranoia is bad. I become closed off from people because I don’t want to drag them down or bore them. In my head I perceive myself as always whining about something, and what do people at work really think of me? What’s said behind closed doors.
How do you cope with that?
I surround myself with people I can trust and only open up properly to 3 or 4 close friends. Even then I worry that they get fed up of hearing about my struggles.
What struggles have you faced with your illness?
On a personal level I am very destructive, there’s still a question mark over whether I suffer from borderline personality disorder, and it makes living with me very difficult for everyone. I also become very closed off when low and that just adds to the issues it creates with my family.
Professionally, I do face an ongoing battle at work. Obviously this is a public posting , so as such I can’t go in to detail, but the support from my management is the least I should expect, but despite my openness, there’s still a reluctance to appreciate mental illness will reoccur and beating people with a stick over it, is very counter productive.
When did you first feel able to share the condition with other people?
Thankfully, perhaps that’s not the right word, my dad has struggled with his mental health, so my immediate family were always great with it. I didn’t start campaigning avidly for mental health awareness until 2012 though, some 6 years after my first diagnosis. I guess I was still ashamed that it kept coming back. The support network I had wasn’t really there at the time, I had friends who clammed up when I mentioned it. Weirdly, after my 3rd bad episode, people began to listen to what I was saying and I began to open up more.
Admittedly I keep most things quiet even now, but it’s all about knowing who you can trust.
Has any idiot said “pull yourself together and snap out of it”?
I’ve heard people have had that view about me, but as is often the case, they won’t mention that to me. The closest I’ve had is ignorance about my illness, which has affected my family, and that’s something that needs to be worked on. Commenting that they can’t be in the same room or talk to me is upsetting but the more I talk, the more we all do, the less this should happen hopefully.
Have you been asked “what have you got to be depressed about?”
I think that’s the go to for some people who don’t really understand your problems. That’s not their fault, they think it’ll help by making you think positively. However, quite often I don’t know what makes me depressed or anxious. That’s how it is. If I knew, it wouldn’t happen!
We all have triggers, but even a psychotherapist can have trouble getting to the bottom of mine!!!
Have you been lucky or unlucky with the people you’ve shared your story with?
I think I’m blessed that I’ve been lucky with how people have reacted to this blog especially. I think something like 10,000 people read my first ever blog entry, and I’ve never received abuse because of it.
Initially I’ve had people question whether I was as bad as I made out. Going sick isn’t something I enjoy, weeks of sitting about confronting your demons, and fighting back, is very hard.
As I mentioned earlier I’ve had instances with extended family not understanding my position on things, almost refusing to understand because it scares them. With those who have negative views, I have to be open, and almost shock them. If they still don’t like it, you have to just move on.
I have to say though, following my blog about suicidal thoughts, the support was overwhelming, and I would love to thank them all.
Do you think it can be cured?
I don’t think mental illness will ever be cured, if there was a cure, no one would suffer. However, it can be managed to the point it feels like a cure. The problem I have is I take my eye off the ball too much. I end up going round in circles, but if you have treatment, and you stick to it, there’s no reason you can’t go back to living a good life.
I’d love to try electro-convulsion therapy, or whatever it’s called, I’ve heard that can almost spark your brain back to normal settings, but whether that is the case, tests are inconclusive.
You were really honest about your suicidal thoughts in a previous blog - and a feeling that you wouldn’t be missed - can you explain what makes you feel like that when you have a wife, lovely children, etc?? Can you even explain or is it just some “illogical” feeling??
I guess it comes from the deep sense of no self worth. From 2007 it was identified I have a very low opinion of myself. My self esteem is incredibly low. I should look at it that I have a stunning wife and 3 gorgeous kids, but I end up looking at it that I’m punching above my weight and they could all do better.
Living with me is certainly no picnic and I still believe they deserve better. When you combine that with when I’m in a very dark place, my brain starts telling me they’ll move on, grateful that they are finally free of my issues.
So, yeah I guess it’s an “illogical” feeling. At no point have my family inferred that they will leave if it gets too much. It’s just the low self esteem amplifies those thoughts when staring in to darkness.
What do you do if you have a problem and everyone else has absolutely no idea? That is an massive obstacle to overcome?
Initially I thought hiding it was a great idea. It comes down to peoples perceptions and that paranoia that no one really wants to know. I once wrote down how I was struggling to cope, and it wasn’t great to read, and my wife found it. It shocked her. I still find it difficult to open up now. If I didn’t I don’t think I’d get myself in the spirals that I do. I think it all comes down to trusting someone enough to pluck up the courage to say “I’m not ok”. My blog is a pretty good way of doing it, it’s personal without having to physically talk to people. I don’t want to answer, “suicidal mate, can’t see a way to end this hurt” when someone asks how I am to my face. However, I can put it on the internet and share it on twitter no problem! It’s finding your way of sharing how you feel that matters most.
What’s the biggest change you’d make to treatment?
I’m already trying to affect that myself by studying for a degree in psychology and counselling. Of the numerous treatments I’ve had over the years, only one that’s been funded by the NHS was any good. That’s not to say the NHS is awful, it’s just woefully underfunded, and from my own experience, too many therapists are learning from textbooks. It’s no coincidence that the one course of therapy I’ve had that was of benefit to me, was with a woman who’d battled with mental illness herself. I’m all for people training to join the mental health profession, but the ones that can help the most are the ones that have lived it.
I have friends who’ve been let down by the system, sharing their problems with me because I’ve been, or am going, through it.
I was lucky enough that in 2014 my employer afforded me the luxury of hypnotherapy. At no point am I aware that I was a chicken walking around York city centre, it was more a case of my therapist placing positive thoughts in to my mind. However, at £100 an hour, it’s a luxury many can’t have, or continue to have. It’s my ambition to qualify and offer affordable therapy to anyone who needs it in the future.
People who use social media most often, tend to have higher rates of depression, according to new research. What do you think?
Personally, my use of social media enables me to express myself and be more open about my mental illness. However, there are an element who will use social media to look for fights and “troll”, I think it’s just a case of knowing when that is happening and to walk away. Twitter is a very dissociative experience for me. Very few of my followers are actual friends of mine. However, those users I don’t know, yet communicate with, are good people to talk to. Yes I’ve had my share of people looking for arguments, but it really is about who you surround yourself with, both on line and in ‘reality’.
Facebook has been my biggest issue, where you physically know people, and everyone is seemingly in competition to impress. On more than one occasion I’ve had to deactivate my Facebook account, in fact once going as far as deleting my entire account. It can be very intense and I need a a break from that from time to time.
Social media can be a great tool, and support network, if used correctly in my opinion.
Do you think mental illness is something we all suffer from, just that the gaps in-between “episodes” vary so much, many people don’t know that they’ve been ill?
Certainly. It’s widely regarded that we all suffer from high levels of anxiety, it’s just that some people deal with it better than others. In men especially, there’s the misconception that you can’t be mentally ill. I know of colleagues who’ve carried on as a “hard man” because it’s how they’ve been perceived over the years, despite going through harrowing things.
A friend of mine recently let their mask slip briefly when asking about mental illness, and I told them that being seen as strong isn’t as rewarding as being told you’re strong for confiding that you’re struggling.
This is why talking is so pivotal, so we can all recognise and help each other.
Does your wife find it difficult to deal with your low periods?
No I’m pretty sure I’m a delight to be around! In all seriousness it’s very tough on her. It had a devastating affect on our marriage once too. However, she’s stood by me throughout, which I know is difficult when, in her own words, I’m like a 4th child.
I’m certain it’s horrible reading sometimes that I want to hurt myself, and although I can trust her 100% , how do you tell the woman you love that you feel like you can’t go on? That’s probably the most frustrating thing for her is when I’m low or irritable and she knows I need help but I’m not talking. On our recent holiday I refused to get in the pool, not because I wanted to be a misery, but because I don’t like showing my body off, and if you’re in a pool you’re central to everything and everyone around you. She knew it was getting me down but I couldn’t express that and I could sense her frustration.
I think the vow, “for better or worse” is over used in our marriage. Oh he’s better, oh he’s worse.
Finally, what size are your tits?
You see, this is what happens when you let people on twitter ask you questions. 36C
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