Paranoid

One of Black Sabbath’s best songs. However, I’m not writing about my love for Birmingham’s finest, rather how a testing few days has left me paranoid about everything and everyone.

I’m not getting in to what happened, it’s dealt with and I’m trying to move on. The repercussions on my mental health have been immense though, none more so than the paranoia.

It’s never been an issue with me before, despite it being listed as a major “symptom” of BPD. I was more of the impulsive, harmful, sometimes suicidal sufferer. I think I preferred that to a degree. I knew where I stood with those and how to deal with it.

I’m now faced with a daily barrage of thoughts, making me question my choices and what I can or cannot say. I recently closed my previous twitter account due to a number of issues arising from tweets that were, unfairly, being attributed to a poor mental health campaigner. However, each time I now see a tweet about mental illness or hypocrisy, I think is that about me? If they don’t reply to a tweet, do they just follow me because they think they should? It goes further too. All those people that defended me, are they now disappointed in me? Do they think I’m a drama queen?

I’ll have friends over and that voice in my head will begin with “they thought this would be better” and “they forgot how dull you were”. I convince myself that it’s true. I begin to close myself off. People that have invited me over and then, for whatever reason, haven’t arranged a specific date, have changed their mind and don’t like me anymore.

Professionally I’ve been pretty well, I think those demons were dealt with some time ago (see previous blogs), but away from my job, in roles I’ve just started voluntarily, the thoughts make me think I’m not good enough for them. Did they only ask me back because of my twitter followers, and now I don’t have them anymore I’m worthless to them? I only rejoined the trust a month ago and I’m already thinking I’m not worth it, not required. People will put themselves forward for things that I was invited to work on, no one mentions my name and I don’t think I’m needed then.

The paranoia has manifested itself in to the self destructive tendencies I know all so well. I’d rather destroy relationships than work at it. It’s the easy way out.

So that’s where I’m at. 1 step forward, 7 steps back. Still here though, still fighting. 

Peace 💚

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