The words aren't there
Have you ever sat down and wonder what is going on in your head? I think I've done that 100s of times and still can't make it out. Now I've been signed off work again because of this bloody depression and anxiety, and here I am trying to figure out this illness again.
I'd been fine, then, as is often the case, things started to fall apart around me. Well they weren't, but in my head they were. I can cope with perhaps 2 or 3 things at once, as long as I'm in control of those things. However, add in an external influence that, despite my best attempts, I could not control and I snapped.
I'm not going to bore you with all my problems, every one has their own, and they deal with them. However, returning from a good day at work, and finding someone has stolen your bike wheel (later returning for the rest of the bike) was breaking point. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Big red flag for me.
I decided to take a step back, after the weekend things will be better. They weren't. I was not coping well, pieces were falling in to place. I'd been irritable with the punters of late and that's not me. I'd eaten most of the Sainsburys bakery after work. I'd been buying myself things to make me happy. It's so frustrating, I only notice these things too late.
I went to see a doctor, and took the wife with me again, knowing I'd play it all down, I needed her to tell the doctor what I'd miss out. This time though I really did screw up. The wife was talking about a conversation we had that morning. That'd be fine, if I could remember it! The doctors whole manner shifted to serious concern. Yup, I was getting confused but this was a whole new kettle of fish. I was signed off for 2 weeks, prescribed diazepam and told to see her again in a week.
This shocked me. How had I allowed myself to be like this. I'm the man people come to for advice on mental health. I was such a hypocrite.
It's been 2 weeks now, I was signed off for another week and had to make an appointment to see the doctor again, after she didn't agree with my idea that I could go back after 2 weeks. Thankfully people at work have been supportive, at least behind a keyboard. I felt I owed it to them to apologise for being off, it's not easy and being in the work environment is great, but I'm more off the planet than I'm on it, it appears. I popped in to see my gaffer, he was confused I didn't tell him how I was feeling, that's the nature of the beast. Whether or not he was actually concerned, I got the impression he wasn't, is the question.
Guilt has played a big part this time also, whilst others have been toiling in the sun I've been able to have barbecues and lovely walks with Mrs G. It's good for me, but the guilt is always present, why am I having fun, I'm supposed to be depressed? I know what depression is, yet I still think of it as being sad all the time. It's not by the way, but I'm buggered if I can put it in to words, or fully understand it. The swap with a colleague that couldn't go through because I'm sick? That's a horrible feeling, I'm sure he resents me for it. Mrs G relying on my wage and I'm stuck on basic pay, guilt. The people who have supported me but I've fallen down again. Embarrassment and guilt.
Things have progressed this week, I've managed to confront some problems, I feel awful at the minute, shaking more than an away fan at Stockport on a December evening (yup I speak from experience), but I'm hopeful this is a watershed moment, and I'm on the way back.
Remember, don't be ashamed of mental illness, I'm not ashamed, just a little angry that I took my eye of the ball. However, always treat it with the respect it deserves.
Peace
I'd been fine, then, as is often the case, things started to fall apart around me. Well they weren't, but in my head they were. I can cope with perhaps 2 or 3 things at once, as long as I'm in control of those things. However, add in an external influence that, despite my best attempts, I could not control and I snapped.
I'm not going to bore you with all my problems, every one has their own, and they deal with them. However, returning from a good day at work, and finding someone has stolen your bike wheel (later returning for the rest of the bike) was breaking point. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. Big red flag for me.
I decided to take a step back, after the weekend things will be better. They weren't. I was not coping well, pieces were falling in to place. I'd been irritable with the punters of late and that's not me. I'd eaten most of the Sainsburys bakery after work. I'd been buying myself things to make me happy. It's so frustrating, I only notice these things too late.
I went to see a doctor, and took the wife with me again, knowing I'd play it all down, I needed her to tell the doctor what I'd miss out. This time though I really did screw up. The wife was talking about a conversation we had that morning. That'd be fine, if I could remember it! The doctors whole manner shifted to serious concern. Yup, I was getting confused but this was a whole new kettle of fish. I was signed off for 2 weeks, prescribed diazepam and told to see her again in a week.
This shocked me. How had I allowed myself to be like this. I'm the man people come to for advice on mental health. I was such a hypocrite.
It's been 2 weeks now, I was signed off for another week and had to make an appointment to see the doctor again, after she didn't agree with my idea that I could go back after 2 weeks. Thankfully people at work have been supportive, at least behind a keyboard. I felt I owed it to them to apologise for being off, it's not easy and being in the work environment is great, but I'm more off the planet than I'm on it, it appears. I popped in to see my gaffer, he was confused I didn't tell him how I was feeling, that's the nature of the beast. Whether or not he was actually concerned, I got the impression he wasn't, is the question.
Guilt has played a big part this time also, whilst others have been toiling in the sun I've been able to have barbecues and lovely walks with Mrs G. It's good for me, but the guilt is always present, why am I having fun, I'm supposed to be depressed? I know what depression is, yet I still think of it as being sad all the time. It's not by the way, but I'm buggered if I can put it in to words, or fully understand it. The swap with a colleague that couldn't go through because I'm sick? That's a horrible feeling, I'm sure he resents me for it. Mrs G relying on my wage and I'm stuck on basic pay, guilt. The people who have supported me but I've fallen down again. Embarrassment and guilt.
Things have progressed this week, I've managed to confront some problems, I feel awful at the minute, shaking more than an away fan at Stockport on a December evening (yup I speak from experience), but I'm hopeful this is a watershed moment, and I'm on the way back.
Remember, don't be ashamed of mental illness, I'm not ashamed, just a little angry that I took my eye of the ball. However, always treat it with the respect it deserves.
Peace
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