Keep talking
Just lately I've been reading a lot of people have been struggling with their mental health, and how brave some have been by telling their stories, helping end the stigma.
This has led me, after much soul searching, to write this blog post, revealing a secret that I have hidden, and something, looking back on now, that I am not proud of.
You may know that, at the turn of the year, I stood for local union rep. A role that I wanted desperately. What people don't know is that I made a deal with myself. Either I win the vote, or I take my own life. I really saw no future for me. It sounds spoiled looking back now, throwing my toys out of the pram, but I was in a position where I felt I had nothing to look forward to. I couldn't achieve any career progression, if I couldn't now do something else I desperately wanted, where do I go next?
I referred to this as "plan B", to friends. "If I lose ,I have a plan B". No one thought anything of it. 1 friend asked what it was, was I going to leave? When I said yes, I really was planning to leave, just not my job. Another friend confronted me, "you're not going to kill yourself are you?" she asked. I laughed it off as preposterous.
Then the final vote was counted, and I lost. I was gutted, and even now I bear no malice to the winner, it's democracy, but now what do I do?
I remember spending a cold morning, around 1am in Sheffield, walking around like I would before starting work. However, this was a scouting mission. I was looking at possible ways to end it all. I find it difficult to write even now, but plan B was in full effect.
Now, I am not the most religious man, and it could be coincidence, but that morning, even at 1am, there was a steady stream of cars and pedestrians passing by.
Still conflicted, and deeply unhappy, I finished work and returned home. Again, by hook or by crook, one of my children, came home after school holding my hand. That simple gesture triggered a change in my mindset. I would fight back. I could play a pivotal role as a stand in union rep if needed. I could still apply for jobs. I could still better myself.
I saw the support and love in my wife's eyes.
In October I start a degree in psychology and counselling. It's quite a dramatic change in career, but why get beaten, when something I care so passionately about could give me a brighter future, and the best bit is, once I complete all the relevant qualifications, I could be responsible for saving someone's life.
Remember, you're never alone, and it does get better.
Keep talking
This has led me, after much soul searching, to write this blog post, revealing a secret that I have hidden, and something, looking back on now, that I am not proud of.
You may know that, at the turn of the year, I stood for local union rep. A role that I wanted desperately. What people don't know is that I made a deal with myself. Either I win the vote, or I take my own life. I really saw no future for me. It sounds spoiled looking back now, throwing my toys out of the pram, but I was in a position where I felt I had nothing to look forward to. I couldn't achieve any career progression, if I couldn't now do something else I desperately wanted, where do I go next?
I referred to this as "plan B", to friends. "If I lose ,I have a plan B". No one thought anything of it. 1 friend asked what it was, was I going to leave? When I said yes, I really was planning to leave, just not my job. Another friend confronted me, "you're not going to kill yourself are you?" she asked. I laughed it off as preposterous.
Then the final vote was counted, and I lost. I was gutted, and even now I bear no malice to the winner, it's democracy, but now what do I do?
I remember spending a cold morning, around 1am in Sheffield, walking around like I would before starting work. However, this was a scouting mission. I was looking at possible ways to end it all. I find it difficult to write even now, but plan B was in full effect.
Now, I am not the most religious man, and it could be coincidence, but that morning, even at 1am, there was a steady stream of cars and pedestrians passing by.
Still conflicted, and deeply unhappy, I finished work and returned home. Again, by hook or by crook, one of my children, came home after school holding my hand. That simple gesture triggered a change in my mindset. I would fight back. I could play a pivotal role as a stand in union rep if needed. I could still apply for jobs. I could still better myself.
I saw the support and love in my wife's eyes.
In October I start a degree in psychology and counselling. It's quite a dramatic change in career, but why get beaten, when something I care so passionately about could give me a brighter future, and the best bit is, once I complete all the relevant qualifications, I could be responsible for saving someone's life.
Remember, you're never alone, and it does get better.
Keep talking
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