My experience

My experience

Since becoming a time to change champion, I have been moved by how many people there are, just like me, but challenging and beating mental illness and it's stigma.

My own pledge was to use my experiences to talk to colleagues and change perceptions of both my mental health and stigma, and I thought sharing my story on social media can help others too.

My name is Chris, just an average 36 year old, with a beautiful wife, and 3 wonderful, if not mischievous, boys. I enjoy much the same as anyone else. I love my music and football and I have a good job.

Then, one day in December my life changed. I'd been diagnosed with depression before, 2006 and 2009 most notably, but I had a pretty good handle on it, I could recognise the symptoms and prevent it. Or so I thought.

It was December 17th, Christmas jumper day at work, I'd bought a new Norwich city jumper especially, but as the day approached to wear it, I shunned the day. I didn't want to enjoy it, or Christmas. I'd already told my wife I wasn't going to be at her family's Christmas meal and I even considered taking my own life.

This was the last straw for my mrs. She rang to get me an appointment at the doctors. It took her 45 minutes. I'd have given up and she knew that. 

Later that day we were both sitting with the doctor, I'd asked my wife to accompany me because I was so anxious, and we were told I was suffering from depressive disorder. 

Of course, soon as your partner is worried then you should be expecting it, but I was still upset. Annoyed with myself, I'd taken my eye off the ball and now look what happened. I will always be thankful to my Mrs for dragging me to the doctors, but at the moment in time my life paused.

Life goes on they say, and it does, but for me I was just stuck on pause. What was going on around me didn't feel real. I was a character in a play, this wasn't real life.

I made an effort for the kids at Christmas, my boys will always come first, and that's why I believe I never followed through with my darkest thoughts. However, I was empty. I struggled to play with them and started to see Christmas as an inconvenience. 

Even being diagnosed with depression, I hid it from my parents, I felt ashamed I'd cracked again. We visited them just 2 days after i was at the doctors. I never brought up how I'd got the time off work. I eventually told my mum after Christmas, 2 weeks later, and as I expected, both her and dad were just worried about me, they'd never judge.

Throughout January I tried to get out more, one friend from my days at uni was brilliant at getting me out. Never judged me, never really asked about my depression, just talked to me as chris. However, standing at bus stops to see her, I was fighting the urge to run home, cry and hide.

I saw other friends in that time, had a joke and drank too much coffee, but I still felt my life was on pause. Doing the school run every day, and seeing my family was all well and good but I was getting frustrated.

My doctor was fantastic, I'd been on citalopram 20mg since being signed off work, but he could see I wanted to get back to some form of normality. However, I was to be aware that rushing back to work, out of guilt, would be unwise and a backward step. After all, staying at work had proved to be my downfall to begin with. 

Pause again. 

However, he gave me a challenge, talk to my boss and he'll think about signing me back to work. Challenge accepted I thought, and set about emailing my boss with the good news and that I'd see him soon. Except I didn't see him soon. My mind decided that we were far safer staying in our bubble where we couldn't be hurt. 

2 out of the 3 weeks passed, when clearly frustrated himself, I got an email from my manager. Asking if I was still seeing him. Now I was in a quandary, but one that ultimately got me back to work. 

Do I stay safe in my bubble, or do I complete my doctors challenge? I emailed him back and we arranged a chat. 

Now, my boss is new to his role and wasn't sure how to handle me, and I, eager to please the company, agreed with all of his plans. I went back to see my doctor. He didn't seem impressed that I'd agreed to everything out of a sense of obligation. They had paid me, and well, whilst I was signed off, I owed them I thought.

My doctor disagreed, explaining that I was close to getting back on a phased return but not yet. I was also upped to 40mg.

My life started again, but in slow motion. I was like when you press "slow" on your virgin tv remote, whilst everyone else was on x2 speed. 

I spent the following 2 weeks rebuilding my shattered confidence. Challenging myself to do things out of my comfort zone. I went on the train, and whilst I hid from colleagues, it was a big step.

Finally I was ready for a phased return, this differed from my managers idea of a phased return but I stood firm at last, albeit using my doctors fit note as a barrier! I'm not going in to what I did as part of my phased return, I was stronger than some would be in my position but still a lot weaker than my colleagues, but my god, hearing that first joke made at my expense felt good. My friends and colleagues, although being aware of why I had been off, didn't openly care about it. In secret they all asked how I was doing, but our job is all about the "banter" and pi** taking and I felt reintegrated straight away. It helped so much.

After just over a month I was back on full duties, no one cared anymore that I'd been mentally unwell, that was my problem and it was nice.

I'm sure I've been talked about, come on, Chris had a breakdown, whose not going to be interested, but no one has shunned me. In fact my boss went as far as getting my help to raise awareness of mental health support!!! If what happened to me, and others working with time to change, helps others in the future, it can't have been so bad. 

I start CBT again soon also, not the bike test, it's a way of supporting myself in dark times. That's the thing with mental illness, it's not a sign of weakness asking for help. It's "help". Someone is assisting YOU in battling your illness. Be it a friend, family member or medical professional, it's only help in the end, it's still you that will beat it.

Now if only I can get Norwich City winning, I'll be perfect!!!